Monday, October 3, 2011

CBS Considers Dick Cheney as Finalist to Replace Andy Rooney on “60 Minutes”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Now that wizened “60 Minutes” essayist Andy Rooney has retired, producers of the long-running television news magazine are desperately seeking out a new curmudgeon to fill the vacant slot. Rooney, 92, became one of the most prominent observers of the mundane and pedestrian, as well as an expert purveyor of platitudes. Throughout the course of his career, Rooney made millions of dollars speculating on the origins of naval lint, complaining about the unreliability of shoelace aglets, and wondering where the sun went each night around dusk. Leslie Moonves, president and CEO of CBS Corporation, said that his network pioneered the requirement that every editorial news program on TV have a dedicated curmudgeon to wrap up the show.

“60 Minutes has enjoyed a place in American homes since 1968 when it was created by Don Hewitt,” Moonves remarked. “We championed the idea that hard hitting investigative journalism and revealing interviews should be tempered by the gripes of a whiny old man. We set the precedent. CNN has Jack Cafferty, the Washington Times has Andrew Breitbart, ABC had Paul Harvey, and the Muppets had Statler and Waldorf. We need another Andy Rooney before we get left behind in the dust we first kicked up.”

Despite the glut of available curmudgeons now seeking full time work as professional grousers, Moonves said the network’s front-runner for Rooney’s old slot is former Vice President Dick Cheney: “Dick was the first person who sprung to mind when we began our search for a grizzled, bad-tempered, old coot. He’s got opinions, a rare take on how the world works, and a Middle Ages sensibility that resonates with our audience.”

Apparently, Cheney has already recorded a warehouse full of commentaries.

“In just a little over a week,” Moonves said, “Dick taped hundreds of rants and criticisms. If he keeled over tomorrow, we’d still be airing his bits until the year 2020. He makes Tupac Shakur look like an underachiever in this regard.”

The prerecorded spots have yet to be shown to the public, but the network did provide a sample transcript.

Good evening, America, to all the patriots and traitors accorded the privilege of living in this country, regardless of how wrong your opinions might be. It’s Sunday night. I’m sure most of you attended a church service this morning. If not, turn the channel back to BBC or Al Jazeera. It’ll make it easier for the Nielsen people and your telecommunications providers to give us accurate statistics.

I’ve been doing some serious thinking about things lately. Shoes, for instance. A lot of shoes sound like what they are, don’t they? Oxfords, work boots, loafers, top siders, running shoes, s**t kickers, f**k me pumps. Ever notice them? Just look down. And when you do, thank freaking Christ that you live in a free country where you can afford to buy shoes. ‘Cause you see a lot of barefoot people walking around puddles of diarrhea and dead animal carcases in places like India, Africa, China, and Saipan where they make those shoes. And if those economies ever developed enough to provide for all their peoples’ needs, we wouldn’t be able to tap into this cheap labor any longer. Then it would be you, fellow Americans, walking unshod through pools of liquid waste and monkey intestines.

Shoes. Where does a name like that come from? I think it’s German. Why are there no Germans named Cletis? You know what else is a weird name? Scooter. Who the hell names their kid Scooter? And Patrick Fitzgerald. There’s a jackass. I mean, if you did something illegal, would you tell Patrick Fitzgerald about it? I wouldn’t.

Did you ever wonder what it’s like to be president? Well, George W. Bush still does. Heh, heh, heh.

And showers. Unless you live outside the United States, you’re probably familiar with daily bathing. Here’s the concept. You climb into a tank of sorts where a steady stream of water pours over your face and body. Every day, without protest, millions of Americans do this. So what’s the beef with waterboarding?

You know, I found out today that, uh, the federal government sponsored research that produced a tomato which was perfect in every sense, except that you couldn’t eat it. It looked good, but it was completely useless to society. Just a colossal waste of potential and practicality. We should make every effort to stop the spread of this disease, often referred to as “progress.” And of course by tomato, I mean gays.

A few years ago, I made the mistake of saying that the days when despotic regimes could trample human rights, rob their nations’ wealth, and then excuse their failings by feeding their people a steady diet of hatred were over. That was before 2008, when President Obama took office.

I wonder too why so many ignorant Americans tried to downplay the significance of the War in Iraq by comparing it to Viet Nam. For those of you who laughed at the thought of poor farmers piloting their little fishing boats to our shores and then destroying capitalism, take a look at illegal immigration in this country today. Then f**k off.

A census taker once tried to test me. I filled his face full of buckshot and made him apologize.

I don’t understand the constant comparison of me to Darth Vader. Sure, I’m more machine than man and I abandoned my child -- a sinful lesbo whose three-fifths of an opinion matters little to anyone of consequence -- but I’m certainly not the pansy he turned out to be. His blind allegiance to a puppet emperor, his wordless self sacrifice in redeeming himself, his sense of restraint, and his idealistic upbringing -- had I ever embodied those characteristics of weakness, I would have changed my voter registration to Democrat, buggered a mule and then handed all my hard-earned cash over to hobos.

I also don’t understand why colleagues and family members are always asking me to microwave things for them.

Polo. Something else I’ll never understand. What is the attraction of croquet with livestock? Animals serve five purposes: to eat, to make clothes out of, to test cosmetics on, to test nuclear weapons on, and if you’re a homosexual, as Rick Santorum correctly pointed out, to sodomize.

Don’t you just hate it when people say, “You’re the wind beneath my wings?” Without wind OVER your wings, you have no lift. Then you crash and die. That shows an academic awareness of aerodynamics more malformed than an al Qaeda pilot’s. Frankly, it’s the kind of deceptive crap I’d expect to hear from a terrorist.

Then there’s the saying, “There’s one born every minute.” You ever wonder about that? According to global census figures, there are 267 born every minute. According to the 2000 electorate, there are 271 out of 537 born every minute. If you doubt this, just ask Al Gore. Heh, heh, heh.

Anyway, America, it’s time for bed. Good night, sleep tight, and make sure to lock all your doors and duct tape your windows so the terrorists don’t kill your children. Because they’re out there right now, watching you.

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.