Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Selena Gomez Granted Restraining Order Against Man Claiming to Be Victim of Torture
Under the restraining order, the suspect must remain at least 100 yards away from Gomez, who is best known as Justin Bieber’s girlfriend and for her starring role in the Disney television show “Wizards of Waverly Place.” As a singer, her top songs include “Shake It Up” and “Tell Me Something I Don’t Know.”
The man told the court, “Believe it or not, 100 yards is fine with me. I’d like to be as far away from Selena Gomez as possible; but everywhere I turn, there she is. Those stupid songs, that godawful TV show, they just generate their own insanity. She must be stopped! I don’t know why I’m the one on trial here. This girl inflicts more torments on the soul than Torquemada. Waterboard me, pull out my fingernails with pincers, anything would be better than listening to Selena Gomez or her whining incubus of a boyfriend.”
During a psychiatric evaluation, the suspect told doctors that he had traveled from Chicago to Los Angeles with the intention of meeting Gomez, and that he thought about harming or killing her.
In testimony that stunned officers of the court, the attending psychiatrist said, “During my preliminary assessment, I was convinced that I would discover a history of mental health problems. Schizophrenia, most likely. But then he persuaded me to watch a few episodes of ‘Wizards of Waverly Place.’ After 90 minutes, I found myself overcome with dark thoughts -- smashing the television, rupturing my eardrums, gouging my eyes out with a melon scoop. I just wanted the annoying noises to cease. Suicide became a reasonable option the third time I had to sit through Gomez’s ‘Love You Like a Love Song’ video. What the hell does that mean? And why is she dressed in 80s period costumes? The 1980s are about as personal to her as the Crimean War is to me. I agree that this man needs medical attention and to be kept far away from Selena Gomez, but then I now believe we all do.”
(c) 2011. See disclaimers.