Thursday, October 13, 2011

Local Entrepreneur Allegedly Beaten By Objectivist Mob

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Local business owner Adam Truman was admitted to San Narciso Regional Medical Center’s ICU Wednesday night with multiple broken bones and severe trauma. Truman, owner of Black Talon Engineering, recently made headlines with his introduction of the LapetOS, an embedded operating system that uses artificial intelligence to significantly improve the endurance of batteries in both consumer and industrial applications. Witnesses testified that Truman was attacked outside a political campaign mixer.

Truman had just given a speech at a fundraiser for local presidential candidate F. Chester Greene. According to those in attendance, the speech was well received and elicited a standing ovation from the crowd. One attendee remarked that it was “like John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, and Henry Ford all rolled into one. If I hadn’t promised to vote Greene next year, I’d be voting Truman.”

According to Truman’s driver, Garet Garret, Truman was approached by several people as he was leaving the event.

“At first it appeared to be cordial enough,” Garret said. “Handshakes and pats on the back. It wasn’t until [Truman] turned to light his cigar that the group attacked. Suddenly, they began to hit him with what appeared to be books, before kicking and spitting on him once he was on the ground. I couldn’t believe it had anything to do with his speech; their reaction seemed too extreme.”

When questioned as to why he didn’t intervene, Garret responded, “As private drivers, we are paid for our discretion. Also, I’m not a martyr. We were clearly outnumbered, and it wouldn’t have done anyone any good if I was also beaten within an inch of my life.”

The only documented evidence of the assault came from tweets of a discussion initiated by Twitter user @EatTheRichard, who was also assumed to be the lone protester at last weekend’s #OcupieSN rally.

Following are excerpts of the Twitter stream:

Setup Bike Tent, preparing for tmmrws epic rally #OcQpieSN

Greene Fundraiser Playing Rush’s “Something for Nothing” LOUD. #WTF #OcQpieSN

@MisterSkinnyPants LOL not that Rush #NielPertRocks #OcupieSN

No more Music, Finally some sleep #OcupieSN

Pple outsd tnet, tell a guy he is next john galt #LikeBlairWitchPjct #OQpieSN
rt @DoubleRoyGBiv “Sounds like #RandBitchProject” srsly #OcQpieSN

JGjr, Just said “I argree w/what u believe in, call me an objevtist if u want” #OcQpieSN #1ofus1ofus

JGjr, claims “Not Interested in Ayn Books, ok with philsphy” #popcornmoment #OcQpieSN

someone smking, shouting, thingsbeing thown #thudthudthud #OcQpieSN

“You fck w/her you fck with all of us” womens voice, switchblade? #justpeedalittle #OcQpieSN

@LimaBeaner - yes please call popo #ohthehugemanatee #OcQpieSN

[Editor’s note: At this point, it is believed that an anonymous call was made to San Narciso 911 from Peru, advising them of the incident]

Dr. Elizabeth Clay, the attending ER physician, was unable to confirm that books were used in the beating of Adam Truman. She explained, “It doesn’t matter if it was a book or a sack of manure between two pieces of cardboard, the real weapon in this case was vitriol and obsession. Almost every bone in Mr. Truman’s face was broken; the paper cuts on his anus are of little concern at this time.”

The owner of the TheBookNookCoffee&Notary, Archibald Weedie, advised that he was unable to provide the police with any leads as there had been no recent purchases of Rand’s work.

“You won’t have much luck locating any of Rand’s novels in the county,” Weedie said. “The beatniks over at Zapf’s Used Books flat out refuse to carry them, and I haven’t stocked the books since our former mayor was caught masturbating in the library to the rape scene in ‘The Fountainhead.’ Her works became a hot theft item for those seeking easy kicks. Too many bad memories of discovering jizz encrusted copies wedged behind the collected works of Immanuel Kant. For what it’s worth, I was disappointed. While many other independent booksellers dislike her works for their philosophy or sophomoric amalgamation of American pulp novels and great Russian literature, I actually enjoyed them.”

Local police say they have no real suspects or solid leads at this time. It is believed that the incident may have been related to overzealous citizens enforcing the city wide non-smoking ban.

Garet Garret, Truman’s driver, is being held in custody without bail until the results a drug test are received. San Narciso Police Department spokesman Ren Williams said, “Garret is currently the only person of interest we’ve detained, but he’s not much of a suspect. Although, he did stand by and watch while Mr. Truman was severely beaten. He didn’t even call the police. Also, he was the only person our units were able to apprehend.”

@EatTheRichard could not be reached for comment.

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.
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