Monday, October 17, 2011

After Astronomers Prove Comets Were Origin of Earth’s Water, Rick Perry Proposes New Plan to End Drought

Photo courtesy of GETTY
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Determining the origins of Earth’s oceans have puzzled scientists for ages. Because of the intense heat present after the planet’s creation, water would quickly have evaporated, making life unsustainable. For that reason, scientists generally placed the emergence of oceans around eight million years later. The question of where the water came from, however, remained a mystery. But astronomers now claim to have located a comet with the same chemical composition as the Earth’s oceans, proving that celestial bodies were a major source of water for early Earth. “It means it is not true any more that a maximum of 10 percent of water could have come from comets,” the lead astronomer in the study explained. “Now, in principle, all the water could have come from comets.”

Interestingly, the news captured the attention of presidential candidate Rick Perry, who said the findings demonstrated a clear link between the “very little we know about science” and the “preponderance of what we know to be true about Genesis. If we want to fix the world’s problems through science, let’s do it the way God did.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry, frequently accused of being “anti-science” by his opponents, tried to reposition himself on Monday as an advocate for both science and religion. Speaking before a group of supporters on his latest campaign stop, Perry cited the recent discoveries of the universe’s accelerating expansion and subatomic particles surpassing the speed of light -- both representing radical shifts in conventional wisdom -- as examples of the fallibility of science without God.

“Every day, we learn that the observations of scientists are as volatile and flip-floppy as a John Kerry stump speech,” Perry said. “But this whole comet thing, I think, proves a more salient point: Adam and Eve knew a helluva lot more about the universe than Albert and Steve, ‘specially since they got it from the horse’s mouth. It’s all there in the Old Testament. Day 1, God makes light. Day 2, after the Earth cools down a smidge, He makes the waters. Well, that’d be those big ole comets crashing down on the fallow compost of the planet. Day 3, oceans and land form. If you want to look at it more spiritually, I suppose it’d be fair to say that comets were giant drops of dew spritzed over Eden from God’s holy garden hose.”

Although Perry has received a great deal of criticism for his incredulity about evolution, climate change, the constitutional legitimacy of Ohm’s Law, and the moon not being made of space cheese, he has thrown his support behind comets to show his base that science has merit when “it’s backed up by the truth of the Lord’s word.”

Perry then unveiled a proposal to use comets to end worldwide drought.

“We can bring water to suffering nations,” Perry announced to the stunned crowd. “Droughts are reaching record levels around the globe, and ain’t nobody asking, ‘What are we gonna do when the water’s all gone?’ Even in America, we got problems. Back in 2007, Governor Purdue of Georgia gathered folks together to pray up a storm. Problem is, you can’t get most people in this country to take a few moments from their day to spend in meaningful prayer. If I were president, believe you me, I’d have this country on its knees faster than you could say, ‘Ave Maria.’ Then you got Bono and George Clooney and a bunch of other Hollywood liberals complaining about dry spells across Africa. Well, I say we get back to basics. God’s basics. By having NASA guide one of these galactic ice cubes into a direct collision course with a place like Atlanta or Ethiopia, we can make new bodies of water in no time flat. Heck, if I could slam one of those babies into the heart of Webb County, I could be sipping mint juleps on the banks of Laredo Bay next month. Problem solved.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

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