Friday, October 21, 2011

Harold Camping Confirms October 21 Apocalypse Redux, Westboro Baptist Church to Protest Planet’s Funeral

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Family Stations’ End Time prophet, Harold Camping, has been unusually silent since his May 21 rapture prediction failed to materialize in the terrifying manner he envisioned. At that time, he rationalized the anticlimactic event as a “spiritual rapture,” in which sinners were placed on God’s naughty list while those slated for salvation were duly noted on His nice list. “More than ‘thy rod and thy staff,’ it seems that the Lord operates more bureaucratically,” said a spokesperson for Family Stations. “I guess you could look at it more from the perspective of ‘thy clipboard and thy form in triplicate.’ God may not play dice, as they say, but it seems that He’s a stickler for lists, process optimization and organizational best practices.”

Back in May, Camping described a very corporeal apocalypse, featuring angels with bloody wings and a landscape strewn with carnage: “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”

Now, however, Camping has replaced some of his original fire and brimstone with bankruptcy and metaphor. Like the poet T.S. Eliot, Camping feels the world may end in a whimper. He cited the ruin of economies in Greece, the United States, Spain, Italy and other “sodomite” nations where homosexuality runs rampant. Like it or not, Camping explained, more devout regions in the Middle East enjoy solid financial positions “because, as Iran’s president said, they have no gays there. I mean, Greece practically invented gay. And America’s political system is based on the ramblings of Plato, so our entire foundation is gay.” He also mentioned the minor earthquake that shook Berkeley, Calif., this morning, noting its proximity to San Francisco.

Critics again dismissed Camping’s prophesies, illustrating that Camping suffered a stroke in June but was not taken to Heaven, calling into doubt his own credentials with the Almighty.

Still, adopting a “better safe than sorry” mentality, Piers Addleson’s Pea House will be offering a “last meal” special until the world ends this evening (“Get Your Last Meal Here -- It’s Your Last Rite”). Local retailers will also be selling their remaining Rapture Kits left over from May, at discounted prices.

And although skeptical, principals at the Westboro Baptist Church decided to hedge their bets by releasing a call for supporters to gather this evening and organize a protest for the six billion funerals likely to take place should the Lord decide to end the world. The controversial church also erected a giant pole outside its Kansas headquarters to count down the End Time in a fashion similar to the glowing ball over Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Their structure features a life-sized crucifix with an effigy of Harold Camping in drag that will begin its descent around 6:00 p.m. local time.

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.