Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Lying Meteorologist Heidi Jones Cops to False Police Report and Inability to Predict Media Storm

Photo courtesy WABC
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On December 15, 2010, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript reported that WABC meteorologist Heidi Jones had been suspended from the station for presumably filing a false police report in September 2010. Jones’ statement to authorities alleged that a Hispanic male attempted to rape her while she was jogging in Central Park. However, none of the evidence Jones presented added up for detectives, who had spent a great deal of time, resources and money canvassing the area in search of the suspect. A detective at the time told reporters, “It didn’t really come as a big surprise to us. She’s a weather girl, she works in lies. One day, she says it’ll be 80 degrees and it snows. Then she predicts torrential rains and we have an early summer. This woman’s been full of crap since day one. So, we didn’t put too much stock into her story. For all we know, some street vendor tried to sell her a balloon or a hot dog. And somehow, in her warped weather person mind, that hot dog became a penis and the little old man in the wheelchair selling it became a vicious, stealthy rapist. Today’s forecast? A steaming downpour of manure.”

Today, Jones admitted to fabricating the entire story for attention. She also told the court she wanted to “come clean” in order to make amends for the inconvenience she caused. The presiding judge sentenced her to three years’ probation, psychiatric counseling and 350 hours of community service -- the amount of time police wasted looking into her bogus claims. The judge also told Jones, “You should consider yourself extremely lucky, Ms. Jones. Had this been a court in Texas, you would lying on a gurney right now, waiting for a lethal does of potassium chloride to stop your heart. Believe me, you walk out of here a fortunate woman, not the 256th notch on Rick Perry’s belt.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.

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