Friday, September 2, 2011

Government Redefines Labor Day as National Holiday of Mourning

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the Labor Day holiday upon us, and the ailing economy showing signs of continued stagnation as employment reports indicate no pickup in job creation during the remaining 16 weeks of 2011, the White House issued a statement Friday redefining Labor Day as a national day of mourning, commiserating the loss of America’s workforce, strength, middle class, and founding principles.

Labor Day celebrations were first observed in 1882 as a way of honoring the nation’s booming labor movement, a paragon to the rest of the world and a portent of America’s future might. “Today,” the White House told the country, “that’s all changed. Today, we pay tribute to our fallen co-workers, our foreclosed mortgages, and our friends lost to suicide or in hiding from debt collectors.”

While Politicians Debate Marriage, Religion and Race, Economy Withers
Economists noted the stagnation in payroll employment as an ominous sign. The monthly gain in payrolls has now dipped below 100,000 for four consecutive months. The economy added no new net jobs in August, the first time exactly zero jobs have been created since World War II. The totals for both June and July were also revised downward sharply.

Worse yet, average work hours and earnings continued to drop. So while no upsurge in firings occurred, no companies were hiring either. In many cases, those workers who still have jobs can expect to be bringing home less money, despite the increasing cost of living.

Nigel Gault, IHS Global Insight, said, “The extreme uncertainty over the outcome of the debt-ceiling debate probably did extra damage to the August figures. Recent trends are perilously close to stall speed for the economy. They don’t yet say that we have tipped into recession, but that risk remains high (40% odds, in our view).”

President Obama Pledges to Remove Regulatory Burdens from Big Business to Help Economy
“Our only hope,” the White House said, “is to ensure that Wall Street executives receive immunity from any crimes they may have committed, receive astronomical bonuses, and that we continue to cut taxes for wealthy corporations. Only through these financial powerhouses can we expect money to trickle down to the rest of us.”

Acting quickly, President Obama put a stop on Friday to new rules that would limit smog pollution, unexpectedly reversing course on a key policy measure after businesses said it would kill jobs and cost them billions of dollars. Obama cited the withdrawal of the Ozone National Ambient Air Quality Standard by the Environmental Protection Agency as critical to reducing regulatory burdens for businesses.

“If people can’t afford to eat or keep the lights on, they’re going to die,” one administration official commented. “So what good’s clean air to them? We need jobs. We need industry. We can worry about leftover patches of nature afterward.”

In a rare show of bipartisan support, conservatives joined the president in suggesting creative alternatives to bolster the economy. House Republicans took their cue from Beninese U.N. peacekeepers stationed in the Ivory Coast.

Speaking for the GOP, Eric Cantor said, “According to Wikileaks, under-aged girls in the western town of Toulepleu were forced to provide sexual favors to the U.N. soldiers in exchange for aid. We believe we could formalize this practice into a diplomatic policy, thereby ensuring that only those people who really need help receive it. This eliminates instances of fraud, the costly process of triage and other administrative overhead. The money we could save here would allow us to more strategically target our relief efforts abroad and cut taxes at home.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.