Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson Warns Americans of Real Threat to Sochi Olympics

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, approach, security consultants and State Department officials have warned travelers that these may be the most dangerous games in their lifetimes. House Homeland Security Committee Chairman Michael McCaul (R-Texas) told media that "the security threat to the Olympics, this particular Olympics, is the greatest I've seen." The upcoming events have also been clouded by Russia's renewed stance against homosexuality. Phil Robertson, the outspoken and suddenly political television personality from "Duck Dynasty," also chimed in on the issue, urging Americans on Tuesday to avoid attending the Sochi Olympics in light of the threat. "We all know what's going down in the USSR -- the gay menace will descend on Russia to sabotage what were once goodwill games for straight athletes, all because Russia had the stones to do what America wouldn't -- protect its children from glorifying these perverted, sin-loving heathens," he said.

After the fall of the Soviet Union, the new Russian Federation decriminalized male homosexual acts in 1993, but laws protecting people against discrimination and harassment on the basis of sexual orientation remain nonexistent. Same sex unions are also unrecognized in the country. In June 2013, Russia took another step backward in defending the rights of gays by passing a federal bill that bans the distribution of "propaganda of non-traditional sexual relations" to minors, using heavy fines, threats of imprisonment and overly broad interpretations to punish violators. The new law, signed by President Vladimir Putin, will be enforced during the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. The announcement provoked outcry from athletes around the world.

Russian Sports Minister Vitaly Mutko took precautions in August to make the Olympics less enticing for gays by striking several events from the schedule. Figure skating and freestyle skiing were the first games eliminated. Mutko cited "obvious reasons" for the decision. Curling and bobsleigh were also scratched.

"Curling is what women do to their hairs when they are allowed to leave the house. It's also a sport where men perform household chores like sweeping and mopping the floors, which is a woman's work," Mutko said. "Making a man like a woman is propagandizing gay lifestyles where children could see."

He added that "bobsledding looks too much like a film President Putin showed me during one of his 'Bob Crane Movie Nights,' where we are forced to watch gay man porn for hours to understand how evil it is. I have seen four men sitting together as in a bobsled during these movies, so no sleigh rides in Sochi."

Phil Robertson, the gay fearing father of the Duck Dynasty clan, roiled waters this December when he launched into a bizarre and graphic invective against homosexual behavior during an interview with GQ magazine.

"It seems like to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus," he said in the issue.

Robertson, a backwoods cracker who was once a middle-class quarterback for Louisiana Tech, earning a Masters Degree in education, has a warped and uninformed perception of homosexuality, asserted representatives from GLAAD, the leading advocacy group for LGBT equality.

"As a bible-thumping football player from Louisiana, Robertson probably has some knowledge of the tactile differences between a woman's vagina and a man's anus from his days in the locker room, but there's a world of difference between a nouveau hillbilly pantomime of prison sex and a person's sexual orientation," one member said.

Robertson also compared same-sex relationships to bestiality, something else he may be familiar with from his time hunting on the bayous, but which is not an act related to homosexuality.

Security experts accused Robertson of confusing the two issues surrounding the Sochi Olympics and misunderstanding the nature of the actual peril.

"He [Robertson] seems to be conflating the controversy around Russia's anti-gay laws with intelligence we've received from capable, dedicated and determined terror groups," one State Department official told reporters.

"I ain't inflated nothing since college -- had no need after I got hitched," Robertson retorted. "Security folks keep telling us to watch people for abnormal behavior. And Russia's made it real clear that no behavior's more abnormal than the gay kind. All these stick-slurping protesters keep talking about demonstrating at the games. No wholesome person needs to see them demonstrate their deviations.That's a terror threat, ain't it? In fact, the Olympics themselves are a threat to a good Christian way of life. Created by a bunch of boy sodomizing, sheep buggering pagans in Greece and held in countries full of commies and Jews and Muslims -- and all in the name of sleeping with the enemy as a gesture of love. Well, that ain't the path to salvation. There ain't enough hate to go around here to protect the might and majesty of Christian charity."

Although Robertson and his kin will avoid attending or even watching the Sochi Games, he did offer to send Russian security forces Duck Dynasty branded shotguns, semi-automatic pistols and semi-automatic rifles from a new line of high-capacity weaponry the Robertsons are developing with Connecticut firearms manufacturer Mossberg and Sons.

"Whether they're homosexuals, drunks, terrorists, we let God sort 'em out later. You see what I'm saying?" Robertson added.

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