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Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Valentine’s Day Events for Despairing Singles: Misery Loves Company

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SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For that odd one percent of the Bennington Vale’s unwed yet heterosexual population, leading to a pensive evening of frozen dinners, cheap wine and a literary journey from “50 Shades” to Sylvia Plath. But don’t blame a dead saint. Esther Howland is your culprit. You see, back in 1847, this woman took what most considered to be another minor day of veneration and began mass producing embossed paper-lace hearts, the kind she’d seen in Europe, using the resources of her father’s book and stationery store in Worcester, Mass. The rest, they say, is history. A troubled, bleak, emotionally turbulent history of crushed spirits to honor a business bonanza that savages the hearts of the lovelorn. Fortunately, we at The Evening Transcript have reached out across the community to find some lovely things to fill in the hole where your heart should have been. It’s better than sticking your head in an oven, we promise.

Valentine’s Day Massacre of the Heart

Valentine’s Day can spark an understandably bleak outlook. St. Valentine would probably agree. Before February 14 became a romantic obligation or the floral industry’s annual cash cow, funerals aside, it was a liturgical celebration with considerably dark origins. According to legend, Valentine refused to deny Christ at the exhortations of Emperor Claudius in the year 280. For this, he had his head lopped off. But not before he restored hearing and sight to the jailer’s daughter. He had a big heart. We know this from the drawings his executioners made when they ripped it from his generous chest. The story has that “Green Mile” feel to it. It’s an inspiring tale, depicting deeds most worthy of canonization.

But that’s not why so many people will be reading “The Bell Jar” by candlelight alone this Tuesday evening. Esther Howland is why so many people, unlike the St. Valentine’s butchers, will not be getting Valentine’s head tonight. Never fear, friends and neighbors. The county is offering a host of activities to keep you from downing a few bottles of hard liquor while sobbing through Roy Orbison songs on repeat. Instead of telling concerned friends that you will be DOING IT all night long, meaning your laundry, consider these options.

Valentine’s Dining and Drinking for the Desperate

Piers Addleson's Pea House is offering an off-menu special for single men. In order to get the multi-course meal, for the astoundingly low price of seven dollars, simply approach the hostess and say, “I’m so lonely, I could die.”

The meal, an homage to the happy-go-lucky bachelor lifestyle, features Top Ramen (your choice of chicken, shrimp or beef flavored broth), a gourmet bologna sandwich on artisan white bread with homemade miso mayonnaise and Dijon mustard, Fritos on the side and, for dessert, an assortment of Brach’s candies. The meal also includes two choices of drinks: a PBR and Seagrams boilermaker or Red Beer (V8 and Bud Light).

For the ladies, we recommend the bar at TGI Friday’s. Because the restaurant will be packed with happy couples, seating at the bar will be wide open. Discounts for a variety of complicated, fruity, rum-based beverages will be extended.

Afterward, we encourage those women looking to get their grooves back to visit San Narciso’s only openly gay club, The Crank Shaft. The venue will be hosting Ladies’ Night. You might not meet the man of your dreams, but you’ll be surrounded by handsome trendsetters who sincerely don’t want you for your body.

Films for the Forsaken and Forlorn

Naturally, movie studios and cable companies try to muscle in on the action, too. A lot of media personalities will try to recommend romantic films to watch with your snugglebunny. There are no surprises: “Jerry Maguire,” “Love Story,” :The Notebook,” :Dirty Dancing.” Let’s put all these babies in the corner, shall we?

RJ Fletcher Communications, the county’s leading cable provider, is hosting a special film festival for singles on channels 0001, 0000, 8999 and 9999. Check your local listings for details.

  • 5:00 p.m. -- The English Patient
  • 5:30 p.m. -- Ghost
  • 6:00 p.m. -- The Way We Were
  • 6:30 p.m -- Brokeback Mountain
  • 7:00 p.m. -- The Elephant Man
  • 7:30 p.m. -- Lost In Translation
  • 8:00 p.m. -- Cast Away
  • 8:30 p.m. -- Closer
  • 9:00 p.m. -- Leaving Las Vegas
  • 9:30 p.m. -- 500 Days of Summer
  • 10:00 p.m. -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • 10:30 p.m. -- Casablanca
  • 11:00 p.m. -- Up in the Air
  • 11:30 p.m. -- I’m Not There
  • 12:00 a.m. -- The Break Up
  • 12:30 a.m. -- Better Off Dead

Music for the Maudlin Masses

Local legend Wendell “Mucho” Maas will once again take the helm at KCUF radio for a special single's playlist. Featured selections include:

  • One (Is the Loneliest Number) -- Three Dog Night
  • Breaking Us in Two -- Joe Jackson
  • The End of the World -- Skeeter Davis
  • All By Myself -- Eric Carmen
  • Are You Lonesome Tonight? -- Elvis Presley
  • Drive -- The Cars
  • Only the Lonely -- Roy Orbison
  • For No One -- The Beatles
  • Total Eclipse of the Heart -- Bonnie Tyler
  • Eleanor Rigby -- The Beatles
  • Since I Don’t Have You -- The Skyliners
  • Smoke Gets in Your Eyes -- The Platters
  • I Drink Alone -- George Thorogood
  • Mr. Lonely -- Bobby Vinton
  • Crying -- Roy Orbison
  • Sounds of Silence -- Simon and Garfunkel
  • Everything Means Nothing to Me -- Elliott Smith
  • Theme from Mahogany (Do You Know?) -- Diana Ross
  • Nothing Compares to You -- Sinead O’Connor
  • Pictures of You -- The Cure
  • Goodbye My Lover -- James Blunt
  • The Drugs Don’t Work -- The Verve
  • Mad World -- Gary Jules
  • Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me -- The Smiths
  • Loser -- Beck
  • Who Wants to Live Forever? -- Queen
  • Jump -- Van Halen

Retail Specials

Druggists and pharmacies throughout San Narciso County are offering a “buy one get one free” deal on KY lubricant with any purchase of the latest issue of Maxim magazine. Note: this deal is invalidated if purchased with birth control, spermicidal creams, condoms, sexual paraphernalia or stimulants intended for couples.

Events

Lake Inverarity Social Hall is hosting several events for singles, beginning at 9:00 p.m. Festivities include a solitaire tournament, advanced Dungeons and Dragons adventure/mixer, ice cream social and vodka bar, “How to Make an American Quilt and Get Sole Custody” sewing circle, “You Don’t Look Fat in Those Pants” fashion show, and a special play performed by the Tank Players -- sponsored by the San Narciso Suicide Prevention Center -- entitled “Jesus Loves You...But He Isn’t Ready for You to Move In Yet.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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