Thursday, February 23, 2017

NASA Exoplanet Discovery: Trump Plans Space Wall to Stop Undocumented Aliens


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 20, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) teased an intriguing discovery. The announcement alluded to the possibility that scientists had identified life-sustainable planets beyond our solar system. Astronomers applauded the news, but terrified Trump officials described the discovery as an immigration powder keg, on a galactic scale. The president warned of an imminent “end-time event,” as billions of undocumented aliens and terrorists would invade the United States. He lashed out at the Obama administration for rejecting the public’s call to construct a Death Star, and vowed to build “some kind of killer space fortress” to protect American interests.

New Earths, New Undocumented Alien Problems

Two days after dropping the tantalizing hint, NASA confirmed the existence of the “first known system of seven Earth-sized planets around a single star.” But the Spitzer Space Telescope revealed something more astonishing. The planets are firmly situated in a “habitable zone,” meaning that their proximity to a sun and the composition of their terrain are conducive to life.

“Answering the question ‘are we alone’ is a top science priority and finding so many planets like these for the first time in the habitable zone is a remarkable step forward toward that goal,” said Thomas Zurbuchen, associate administrator of the agency’s Science Mission Directorate in Washington.

The exoplanet system, called TRAPPIST-1, sets a new record for the greatest number of potentially habitable worlds revolving around a single star. Under the right atmospheric conditions, all seven planets could sustain liquid water -- the essential building block of life -- but the chances decrease with the four planets outside the habitable zone.

NPR reported that Julien de Wit of MIT, one of the astronomers on the research team, believed the three remaining planets offered “a ‘winning combination’ of being temperate, Earth-size and ideally suited for follow-up observations with telescopes to analyze their atmospheres.”

Earth-like Planets a Breeding Ground for Terrorist Enclaves

In January 2015, the elite team of Islam experts at Fox News released a map from the Clarion Project identifying at least eight U.S. states that have been toppled by Muslim regimes -- early casualties in the alarming rise of “no-go zones.”

Around that same time, NASA’s Curiosity Rover sent back images showing the silhouette of a man tinkering with the spacecraft stationed on Mars. Anti-terrorism authorities at Fox News concluded that the crisis had reached galactic proportions.
Dr. Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist in charge of biblically compatible space exploration programs for the Galatronics division of Yoyodyne, has long worried about the possibility of terrorists taking over a nearby planet, with Mars being the most suitable for human habitation.

“Now that proof exists,” he cautioned two years ago, “we must do everything we can to prevent terrorists from gaining the upper hand with this strategically positioned no-go world.”

UFO Sightings Daily validated the presence of humanoid civilizations on the Red Planet through a comprehensive analysis of Curiosity’s photos. One image clearly depicted the shadow of a man, wearing an oxygen tank, who was attempting to remove or replace a mechanical part on the side of NASA’s vessel. Other photos taken from Curiosity showed coffins, animals and even a statue of President Obama, which Dr. Goodman cited as proof of Islamic occupation.

“That was then, this is now,” Goodman told the Evening Transcript on Thursday. “If you look at NASA’s depiction of these planets, they resemble the same environments you’d expect to find in deserts. Rocks, sand, some oasis of water. Just like Mexico and the Middle East -- countries dominated by Islamic extremists and rapists. I’m guessing there is no meaningful employment on these worlds, so the aliens will naturally immigrate to a place where they can steal jobs, rig votes, lay eggs for their anchor babies, molest Earth children and spread their dangerous religious dogma. I have no idea what extraterrestrial eight-balls or meteor monkeys worship, but you can bet it’s scary as hell. It wouldn’t surprise me if their men were all bisexual and their women aborted babies for sport.”

Speaking on behalf of Presidents Bannon and Trump, Press Secretary Sean Spicer elaborated on the threat.

Islam has 1.6 billion adherents,” he said. “That’s about 23 percent of the global population. I mean, on Earth. And Islam is growing more rapidly than any other religion in the world. Now consider that there are 132 million Mexican citizens, with another 24 million people of Mexican ancestry lurking around other countries. What if a similar scourge has spread to these other planets? Even with just three habitable lands, we’re looking at an intergalactic infestation of over two trillion blood-thirsty, nefarious, undocumented aliens on their way.”

The peril becomes even more dire in light of revelations made by Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz.) on Wednesday during a discussion with CNN’s Brianna Keilar. Franks explained, as he has several times before, that Mexicans have developed the capability to smuggle nuclear warheads into the country by hiding them in bales of marijuana.

“But I can suggest to you that there are national security implications here for a porous border,” Franks said. “We sometimes used to make the point that if someone wanted to smuggle in a dangerous weapon, even a nuclear weapon, into America, how would they do it? And the suggestion was made, ‘Well, we’ll simply hide it in a bale of marijuana.’”

The feasibility of the plan is chilling. One need not stretch the imagination to envision an unremarkable landscaper or field worker sneaking a virtually unnoticeable 290-pound warhead over the border in an inconspicuous, four-foot high bundle of weed. The odds against being detected or deemed suspicious would be astronomical.

The horrific risk increases exponentially with off-world species. As Spicer explained, these aliens would possess superior technology to make the journey of 40 light years. “God only knows what kind of weapons they have,” he said. “Ray guns, laser swords, thermal detonators or some inconceivable doomsday machine that makes nuclear war look like an old-timey lynching. If Mexicans can run warheads concealed in pot over the river, imagine what aliens with shape-shifting abilities or cloaking devices could do.”

Obama Opened the Doors for Undocumented Alien Invasion

The border wall proposed by President Trump has become a divisive issue, even among Republicans. Democrats see the structure as an ideological barrier to diversity -- a racist monument. Republicans worry about the incredible costs taxpayers would absorb for erecting the wall, which would stand 55 feet in height and span approximately 1,989 miles. Trump, however, told Americans that no amount is too extreme when the safety of the nation is at stake. He then exposed one of the greatest conspiracies of the Obama administration.

In 2013, according to the Washington Post, the federal government was alerted to the possibility of alien incursion through a petition demanding the construction of a Death Star. The public request received the 250,000 signatures required to elicit a response from the White House. Concerned citizens, anticipating an inevitable refugee crisis from beyond the Milky Way, urged science and technology advisers to build a DS-1 Class Orbital Battle Station capable of shielding the Earth from attack.

Obama officials, however, scoffed at the $850 quadrillion budget, claiming the cost was too high in a time of tight budgets. Adviser Paul Shawcross told petitioners that “the administration does not support blowing up planets… Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?”

Trump blasted the decision as a willful act, in a prepared statement:

Obviously, Barack Obama was colluding with a foreign interest, who had probably blackmailed him. In this case, one of these demonic planets. He gave a bunch of BS reasons to NOT build a space wall or battle moon or whatever. Because he was already planning to let the aliens through. It’s a Muslim thing, what can I say? But it doesn’t matter how many gazillions of dollars you’ll have to pay in taxes, we’re building the Death Star and we’re going to keep America safe. You know, our second greatest president -- because according to the polls and my tremendous mandate and bigly popularity, I’m the greatest -- Ronald Reagan, a wonderful leader, you know, he developed a Star Wars defense. Laser blasters could shoot down enemy ICBMs. But Obama stopped all that. I’m going to carry on where Reagan left off. Death Star. That also means jobs, new career paths for military personnel, stores that will carry Ivanka’s fashion line and the biggest Trump luxury hotel/casino in the universe. Expect an executive order next week after I meet with Lord Bannon to figure when Jar Jar will vote for the transfer of supreme emergency powers.

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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