Monday, February 20, 2017

Sweden's Last Night: How a Country Perished in Secret


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Late Friday evening, Sweden, the Scandinavian jewel of economic strength and social prosperity, crumbled under a devastating wave of terror attacks. Although intelligence agencies, dishonest media and Sweden’s former leaders attempted to cover up the demise of the country, U.S. President Donald Trump broke the news on Saturday at a campaign-style rally in Florida. Among the dead were a renowned chef, award-winning auto manufacturers and entertainers from the thriving porn industry. Despite the world’s efforts to downplay or even deny the destruction, Trump remained steadfast in promoting the truth. The massive subterfuge was so well orchestrated that most surviving Swedes appeared baffled that anything had happened. But the evidence is overwhelming, and the fallout could affect America’s economy, particularly as powerful retailers like IKEA shift business models to address the crisis.

What Happened During Sweden’s Last Night

The Twilight of the Gods

The tragic events that befell Sweden had long been foretold in the pages of Norse mythology. In the cycle of Ragnarok, epic battles between deities and the disintegration of values in human societies lead to the end of the cosmic balance -- the Twilight of the Gods and subsequent end of civilization. Consider this description: “In Midgard, the realm of human civilization, people abandoned their traditional ways, disregarded the bonds of kinship, and sank into a wayward, listless nihilism.”

As Trump implied during his speech, this was the state of Sweden prior to its end. The nation, in modern times, had come to embrace secularism, open relationships, socialism, abandonment of fossil fuels, unfettered immigration, blanket civil liberties and a host of other corrosive ideologies that ruined the bonds of Christianity, capitalism, class structure and the sanctity of marriage.

And the collapse of Sweden unfurled in the prophesied manner. A battle between the gods erupted, in the manifestation of Islamic refugees terrorizing the predominantly Lutheran country (where religion is practiced at all). There were natural disasters, including gale-force winds and avalanche warnings. And for the final stage, in which the land becomes immersed in water, some cities across Sweden reported scattered showers.

Massive Media Cover-Up

Trump stunned the nation when, during his Saturday rally, he casually referenced the downfall of Sweden -- a country that has historically ranked in the top five of the OECD’s Better Life Index. “You look at what’s happening,” the president told supporters. “We’ve got to keep our country safe. You look at what’s happening in Germany, you look at what’s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden, who would believe this?”

Carl Bildt, a foreign minister in Sweden, quickly responded on Twitter, “Sweden? Terror attack? What has he been smoking? Questions abound.” Sources within the White House confirmed that Bildt, under pressure from the charred remnants of his country’s government, had posted the specious non-denial while hunkered down in a shelter situated in Norway, just over the western border. Other officials, Trump spokespeople explained, fled across the Baltic Sea to a neighboring bunker in Finland, where they too posted vague insinuations that no terror attacks had transpired.

Sweden’s misdirection speaks to ongoing diversions from the media. At home, the mainstream press has become notorious for underreporting terror attacks, such as the Bowling Green Massacre. This is why Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas) urged people to get their “news directly from Trump.”

Other feeble cover-ups included four plots by jihadists to deploy man-eating sharks to targets using tornadoes, as well as the razing of Orlando and Atlanta. On February 9, for instance, police spokeswoman Elizabeth Espy refuted Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s revelations of bombings in Atlanta, saying the department was not aware of any recent terror attacks.

“From what we can recall, the last known terrorist attack in the state was 1996 in which Eric Rudolph was implicated,” she told CNN by email.

These poorly contrived, revisionist accounts should come as no surprise to the president, or his savvy base, in light U.S. intelligence officers confessing that they have intentionally withheld information from Trump.

The Chronology of Sweden’s Last Night

Following is a timeline of the events that plagued Sweden during its final night of terror, with details culled from Britain’s The Independent.

3:24 p.m.: A man set himself on fire at Sergels torg, a plaza in central Stockholm. He was taken to the hospital with severe burns. Trump representatives, receiving eyewitness accounts from the ground, explained that the individual had seen the beginnings of the conflict, fueled by Islamic extremists, and chose death by immolation over a slow beheading or prolonged torture. They released a chilling video, captured by local surveillance cameras, depicting the start of the war. Please be warned, the content is graphic and may disturb some viewers.

6:42 p.m.: The singer Owe Thörnqvist suffered some technical problems during rehearsal for the singing competition ”Melodifestivalen.” The issue was eerily reminiscent of the microphones sabotaged by detractors to disrupt Trump’s presidential debate against Hillary Clinton.

8:46 p.m.: Harsh weather in the northern parts of Sweden forced road closures between Katterjåkk and Riksgränsen. Because of strong winds and snow in the region, the Met office issued an avalanche warning. The omens take physical form, and Ragnarok begins.

12:17 a.m.: Police officers chased a fleeing Peugeot through central parts of Stockholm. The pursuit ended in police officers ramming the suspect at Engelbrektsgatan. They processed the driver for operating under the influence, violating traffic laws and of vehicle theft. As Trump anti-terror experts stated, the driver was a decoy to distract police from the main points of the attack. As a result, Swedish law enforcement arrested one hapless pawn while allowing their homes and families to perish in an apocalyptic event.

The Uncertain Future of Furniture

IKEA, a household name among college students and indigent renters in need of temporary furniture, may be changing its product line to cope with the crisis at home. For the United States, Trump warned, this could spell an economic setback. IKEA Group’s total sales for 2015 amounted to $35.7 billion, which makes the company a significant contributor to domestic employment, consumerism and overall financial health.

“With the virtual death of its homeland in Sweden, I’ve learned that IKEA will be radically altering its productions to deal with the unimaginable loss of life,” Trump said. “They’re not going to be selling little chairs or desks or utensils or those weird paintings. From what we’re being told, their entire 2017 catalog will consist of do-it-yourself bunkers, moats, border walls and coffins -- just millions of coffins. I think, I believe the caskets are part of the Sterben-Schränke line, which will be most of what IKEA manufactures this year. Terrible as this is, it opens the doors for Walmart to increase sales in America. In my experience, it offers the same cheap furniture but without the stupid names. And the directions are in Chinese instead of Viking.”

Trump has also instructed the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to suspend all sales of Swedish meatballs at IKEA stores in the United States.

“There are millions of dead Swedes right now,” said the president. “Millions and millions of slaughtered Swedes, just all over the place. That’s a lot of carnage to dispose of. My fear is that the country will try some disgusting ways to get rid of the corpses and turn a profit in the process. Just like what happened in England last night. Police, you know, they caught a barber near Fleet Street who was killing his customers and sending their bodies down a chute to the pie shop below. And that creepy lady, the broad who owned the restaurant, was using the dead people for filling in her meat pies. Just makes you want to vomit. I saw it on Netflix. Last night. In England. Can you believe it? Cannibalism isn’t coming to America. It’s a dirty immigrant problem, and we’re going to stop it. We don’t want to risk our people buying Swedish meatballs from IKEA, made from little Svens and Helgas. That won’t happen, thanks to me.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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