Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Trump Cabinet Officials Offer Valentine’s Day Advice to Couples


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump and his tenuous cabinet picks have felt anything but love during their few short weeks in office. Four days ago, passionate demonstrators assembled to protest the nomination of Betsy DeVos as education secretary. Screaming “shame!” in a moment worthy of “Game of Thrones,” the throng blocked DeVos from entering a public school -- which would have marked the first time she attempted to set foot in one. The president faced extreme backlash from California locals for refusing to acknowledge the state’s request for emergency aid as the Oroville Dam threatened to burst. And last night, controversial National Security Adviser Michael Flynn resigned over revelations that he discussed sanctions with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak weeks prior to the inauguration, a violation of the Logan Act, and then misled U.S. officials about the conversations. But the administration desperately wants to earn back the public’s affections. So several cabinet members offered to share their Valentine’s Day advice with America.

Vice President Mike Pence

I’d like to tell the nation’s legitimate, Bible-honoring couples to stay strong against the villainy of homosexuals and the tyranny of loose women who want to become impregnated so they can experience the euphoric rush of taking another person’s life by legally murdering their babies. Soon, we’ll be signing executive orders to eradicate those menaces. Remember, your love for each other is worthless. Love God only. Also, throw out everything in your Bible except Leviticus.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin

Valentine’s Day is one of the most important holidays, just behind Christmas, Black Friday and Labor Day. I encourage every citizen to get out there and spend. Buy candy, buy flowers, buy lavish gifts. Open new lines of credit if you must. Investing in global securities from Goldman Sachs is another excellent way to show love for your significant other and the U.S. economy.

Kellyanne Conway

Nothing says “I love you” like a token from the heart. That’s why I think every man should get out there and snatch up as much Ivanka Trump merchandise as possible -- before the rest of the nation’s retailers discontinue her fabulous product lines. You can order online at the new e-commerce portal on the White House website. There are many stunning dresses, fashion accessories, handbags, lovely shoes and other glamorous items crafted by the tiny, yellow hands of Asian artisans. Whatever you decide, DO NOT spend any money at Nordstrom, Kmart or Sears.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions

I’m a simple man. Valentine’s Day to me is a celebration of love for everyone in the community. A great way to demonstrate that devotion to friends, neighbors and loved ones is to ensure that they’re kept safe from the indecency and perfidy of individuals with impure agendas. That’s why I recommend installing a giant cross on the lawn of those black-hearted (and often black-skinned) monsters, and then setting it ablaze with the cleansing fire of the Lord as a beacon of hope and strength to the people you cherish most.

Secretary of Energy Rick Perry

I would tell American couples to focus their energies on building a solid, loving family -- not focusing on actual energy. ‘Cause I’m a’gonna gut that department and all its hogwash science about global warming, maintaining nukes, yadda yadda yadda.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson

Uh, the president asked me to talk about inner cities and “jungle love” and what black folks do for Valentine’s Day. I honestly have no idea. I suppose they eat fried chicken and heart-shaped waffles. Maybe wash it all down with some bathtub hooch or malt liquor. Don’t know.

Michael Flynn

Valentine’s Day is really for the ladies. To the men, I say open your hearts. Close the borders, but open your hearts. Not to Muslims. Or Mexicans. If your woman is Muslim, dump her. Deport her. Shut her out. She’s plotting to kill you in your sleep.

I think a good way to experience a fond moment as a couple is competitive sports. You and your woman are a team. Your job is to triumph by conquering inferior teams. I take my wife, every February 14, to the ice rink for couples curling. It’s a perfect sport for girls. The man, as men do, grabs onto a heavy stone and hurls down the ice. Meanwhile, his woman, as women do, clutches a broom and sweeps furiously to clear the path.

“Sweep faster, bitch! Sweep it up now, your pointless whore!” That’s what I say to inspire her. It’s one of my favorite holiday pastimes.

Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller

Well, I think that it’s been an important reminder to all American males that we have a gender that has taken far too much power and become, in many cases, a supreme branch of marital governance rather than the established weaker sex. One mouthy nag cannot remake the laws of holy matrimony for the entire country. I mean this is just crazy, the idea that you have a wife who defies the institutions of wedlock by dictating demands, imposing ultimatums, threatening to cut you off from sexual favors that are your earned rights, not mere privileges.

The end result of this, though, is that our female opponents, the wives and mistresses and fast schoolgirls of the world, will soon see as we begin to take further actions, that the powers of the men to protect the sanctity of our unions are very substantial and will not be questioned.

Men are the providers, the protectors, the masters. Our requests are beyond appeal, dissent or reproach. Our power is absolute and will not be challenged!

Acting President Steve Bannon

I have never celebrated a Valentine’s Day or touched a woman that wasn’t inflatable. I would suggest watching Russian pig porn and practicing for the New World Order by playing 18-hour rounds of “Call of Duty” or “Battlefield.”

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos

I like to give my husband coupons -- you know, like little vouchers -- that entitle him to special enticements in the bedroom, based on his past performance and financial contributions. I would say that sexual proficiency is an ongoing measure of competency and mastery. I, uh, don’t send those, those, heart cards. The ones with pictures of chubby, winged toddlers who are brandishing medieval weapons. I don’t understand archery. Or mythology outside the austere teachings of Calvinism. Some marriages will flourish and others will perish in hellfire. You can’t know. But you have to stay the course, just in case yours is chosen. Also, I have difficulty reading and writing. A lot of time, the cards are blank and require that.

Don’t send cards. Send vouchers. If you go out the celebrate, I recommend a private venue. A country club or yacht club. Nothing public. Public places are horrible and should be closed down, if I’m being honest.

Supreme Commander President Trump

Grab her by the p***y.

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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