Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Perry to Overhaul Energy Department with Faith-based Policies


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For many conservatives, Trump’s appointment of former Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas) to head the Department of Energy (DOE) was welcome news. Unlike the aloof scientists Obama selected to run the organization previously, Perry has impressive credentials that appeal to Trump’s broader base. Perry, during his failed 2012 campaign for president, vowed to abolish the DOE. The department presented such an obstacle to economic and military expansion that Perry forgot its name when calling for its closure. More importantly, he rejects “junk science” theories such as climate change, gravity, Ohm’s law and anything not referenced in the Bible. He also holds the gubernatorial record for killing criminals, having executed over 234 felons, minorities and mentally ill individuals during his tenure. That makes him an excellent figurehead to oversee the country’s nuclear weapons cache in an era of increased global strife, terrorism, unarmed blacks, immigrants, Muslims and independent women.

Inheriting the Department of Inertia

Ernest Moniz and Steven Chu, Obama’s DOE leaders, are both physicists -- unapproachable intellectuals obsessed with alternative energy policies, renewable fuel sources, bogus man-made ecological impacts and safeguarding, rather than deploying, the nation’s nuclear arsenal. Their inertia over the last eight years has impeded progress, Perry noted, by diverting attention to “highfalutin hippie philosophies” instead of core issues.

Perry brings years of political, military, scriptural and “Dancing with the Stars” experience to the department. He also presided over the top energy producing state in the nation for 11 years. His background ensures that the DOE will move past its current stagnation to achieve refreshed momentum for America’s growth.

As Politico explains in its latest coverage, the DOE is a complex, multifaceted agency that precludes the realistic selection of a candidate ideally qualified for the position. The Department of Energy has responsibility for designing and manufacturing key components of U.S. nuclear weapons. It also maintains the weapons so they are ready for use.

But the DOE has less critical duties that reach beyond developing stockpiles of apocalyptic machines. The Department also conducts basic and applied scientific research. These constraints, Perry understands, have wasted time and money, including billions of dollars in grants to green energy discoveries, climate change and even the human genome project -- all efforts that attack faith-based initiatives. Perry will restore policies that speak to faith, eliminate wasteful spending and reinvest in nuclear proliferation.

“Now that Pentagon officials have confirmed Russia’s testing of nuclear-armed drone submarines, we need to secure our waters,” Perry told Bennington Vale Evening Transcript reporter Michael Livingston. “Working with President Trump, one of my first priorities will be to build a net around the Atlantic and make Russia pay for it.”

Representatives for Russian President Vladimir Putin explained that “we have already bought a new president for your country. Asking for anything more would be disrespectful.”

Restoring Faith and Spiritual Energy to Energy Science

Like President-elect Trump, Perry fervently denies the idea of climate change, outside the routine permutations that come with Earth’s seasonal cycles, as orchestrated by God Almighty. In fact, Perry has stated that he believes all scientific theories are “nerd talking points,” which he stressed at a 2012 campaign rally in New Hampshire.

“They’re theories, not facts,” Perry roared from the stage to thunderous applause. “Says so right in the name. These geeks are trying to spawn an irrational belief system that’s predicated on nothing but blind faith and a ‘because I said so’ rationale, using mysterious and fantastic language none of us comprehends. No wonder religious Americans feel so threatened.”

During his stump speech in New Hampshire, Perry warned the crowd of an insidious and creeping problem with “people who think they can address every issue using knowledge and understanding gained through the scientific method of experiment and observation.”

“Well, I say the entire premise is flawed,” Perry asserted. “How do I know? Because these scientists have failed to observe the most obvious truth of existence: God. Oh, they see atoms and distant galaxies and little bits and pieces of invisible microbes, but somehow their observations keep missing something as big as God, when He’s present in everything.”

Perry reiterated this stance Wednesday when accepting his position as a member of Trump’s cabinet. He committed to augmenting proven technologies like fracking, pipeline production and tearing up national parks, protected lands and sacred burial sites to explore untapped oil reserves put there by the Lord. He rejected “expensive liberal distractions” such as hybrid vehicles, power-saving appliances, wind farms and solar panels, which the Lord did not construct. Perry then challenged Americans to refute unfounded theories from academic communities, including gravity.

“I was at the Holy Land Experience theme park in Orlando with the family and I saw a kid let go of his Lamb of God balloon,” Perry said. “Know what happened? It floated up to Heaven and disappeared, defying gravity all the way.”

The erstwhile Texas governor went a step further and criticized Ohm’s law as an outdated, unsubstantiated and bigoted concept: “First of all, and I’ve had it explained to me by one of our electricians, it seems like a discriminatory piece of legislation that needs to be repealed. Ohm’s law states that electrical current is directly proportional to the voltage and inversely proportional to the resistance. If it were truly a law worth following, current would be directly proportional to both voltage and resistance, or inversely proportional to both, or proportional to neither. We can’t write discrimination into law. That’s why gay marriage is such an important topic for 2017. If we don’t stop homos from getting hitched, then we discriminate against the majority of God-fearing, heterosexual American couples who’ve had their civil rights stripped from them by a colored radical in the White House.”

Perry closed the press conference by reminding the audience that the Bible mentions nothing about electricity or light bulbs or gravity. When skeptical reporters questioned him about the ancient text’s acknowledgement of nuclear capabilities, Perry astutely directed to them several disturbing chapters in the Book of Revelation.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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