Monday, February 6, 2017

Trump Says Media Covers Up Terror Attacks, Cites Shark Infested Tornadoes


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Addressing the U.S. Central Command on Monday, President Trump veered from his prepared remarks to inform the nation’s military leaders of a shocking secret: the media is purposefully burying reports of terrorist attacks. He cited recently revealed cover-ups such as Obama’s ban on Iraqi refugees and the horrendous slaughter of millions, also unreported by the mainstream press, during the Bowling Green Massacre. Trump, an avid television junkie, voraciously consumes hours of TV news, SNL and other programs that may portray him an unfavorable light. However, Press Secretary Sean Spicer disclosed that during an accidental channel change to Syfy, the president stumbled on perhaps the biggest security threat to the United States: an armada of kamikaze sharks that descend from tornadoes and embark on murderous sprees that leave behind more carnage than three September 11s. “It’s already happened four times,” Trump announced, “and it’s going to happen again. Where is the media?”

All the News Unfit to Print

President Trump has made no secret of his keen intellect and superior grasp of anti-terrorism policies, which far exceed the acumen of generals, Pentagon leaders, intelligence officials and other military commanders.

His now stalled Muslim travel ban, the victim of activist judges and enemy sympathizers in the U.S. court system, mirrors the six-month hold on Iraqi immigrants imposed by President Obama after al-Qaeda supporters in Kentucky were caught sending money and resources to agents abroad. But the media discounted the administration’s attempt to get the alternative facts in the hands of jeopardized Americans. CNN has even considered permanently barring Kellyanne Conway from interviews on the network, citing a “lack of credibility” as the excuse. Trump, however, realizes that the fake news distributor is afraid of confronting the truth, which could expose its incompetence or pro-Islamic agenda.

The international press also failed its obligation to adequately alert world citizens of another major ISIS plot in France, this time targeting the Louvre. As the Chicago Tribune reported, “Paris was plunged into panic -- again -- when soldiers guarding the Louvre Museum shot an attacker who lunged at them with two machetes on Friday and shouted ‘Allahu Akbar!’ as the historic landmark went into lockdown.”

But instead of recounting the details of the incident, journalists abruptly proclaimed that the assailant was instantly subdued, the danger thwarted and the threat suppressed. Trump expressed grave concerns that press members willingly omitted the comprehensive scope of the damage.

“Sure, the plot was foiled,” Trump said. “Okay. Great. But they’re not telling you what happened during that lockdown. These are the alternative facts. The terrorist was planning to hack up travelers at two New York airports. Because of my ban, he had to make other arrangements. So he flew to Yemen instead. There, in a disastrous raid, he killed a Navy SEAL and civilian non-combatants, including an 8-year-old American girl. Then, this Islamist idiot went to France where he slashed four billion tourists to death, poisoned the country’s entire cheese supply, defecated on the Mona Lisa and destroyed load-bearing girders on the Eiffel Tower, where hundreds of people remain trapped at this moment, teetering toward certain doom.”

As the Washington Post admitted, broad media coverage of all terrorist activity seldom occurs. This is why Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas) urged people to get their “news directly from Trump.”

It’s certainly true that not every terrorist attack receives broad coverage in the national media. FiveThirtyEight looked at the likelihood that a terrorist attack in a foreign country would be covered by the New York Times, looking at coverage of 40,129 attacks from 1968 to 2009. Not every attack received coverage over that period. Last spring, the Los Angeles Times set out to log every single terrorist attack in the month of April, counting 180 attacks that killed 858 people. Not every one of those attacks made your local nightly newscast.

“It’s gotten to a point where it’s not even being reported,” Trump declared. “And in many cases the very, very dishonest press doesn’t want to report it. They have their reasons, and you understand that.”

Sharknado 5: The Real, Untold Threat to American Security

As a new flurry of executive orders await Trump’s pen, White House staffers have leaked details of a new action that is taking priority over other critical measures, such as outlawing “LGBT sodomy,” mandating chastity belts for unwed women and replacing Michelle Obama’s revised dietary program (MyPlate) with the ghastly menu from Trump Grill.

The forthcoming order calls for tightening security protocols near the ports and expanding areas of restricted U.S. airspace. Although drastic, Trump believes the measures are necessary to combat a fatal breach that government agencies and their co-conspirators in the media have masked: tornado-borne shark attacks.

“I was watching CNN or SNL’s terrible parodies of me, I couldn’t even tell which network was doing them, when Sean began choking on two pounds of bubblegum and collapsed on the channel clicker,” the president explained. “That’s when I saw these documentaries on a phenomenon called Sharknado.”

When reminded that the film franchise is a fictional and generally tongue-in-cheek send-up of the horror-action genre, Trump dismissed the clarification as media manipulation and obfuscation. “It’s not the first time Hollywood has been pulled into shadowy federal programs,” Trump snapped. “Just ask Alex Jones, one of the only genuine newsmen left. Ask Stanley Kubrick about staging the moon landing. What makes Latt any different?”

David Michael Latt is CEO of The Asylum. the studio responsible for the Sharknado series and “200 other films you’ve never heard of.” Latt, according to his bio, is “responsible for production and marketing. As a filmmaker, he has won over two dozen awards for his directorial and promotional work, and is a guest lecturer at festivals and industry events worldwide.”

Trump, a Twitter connoisseur, pointed out an oddly suspicious tweet from Latt, which strengthens the argument that Asylum studio heads may be deeply mired in a government cabal. The post, shown here, follows a conversation between Latt and a fan. When asked whether Sharknado is part of a “real government experiment” to see “how things play out,” Latt’s response implies an unsettling acknowledgment: “Crap….you know too much.”

On February 2, Variety confirmed that a fifth installment of Sharknado has been given the greenlight. The article, which captured Trump’s attention, described the events of the preceding movies.

The original 2013 “Sharknado” introduced the concept of a shark-laden twister via one bearing down on Los Angeles. In “Sharknado 2: The Second One,” New York City was the target of the disaster, and in “Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!” a mega-sharknado made its way down the East Coast from Washington, D.C. to Florida. In the most recent installment, the very-close-to-copyright-infringement-titled “Sharknado: The 4th Awakens,” the shark-infested storms went national. The film ended with the Eiffel Tower ripping away from Paris and crashing down on Niagara Falls, setting the stage for the fifth edition of America’s answer to the sprawling sagas of the ancient world.

Sharknado 5, Variety explains, will see North America in ruins, with the rest of the world bracing for a global apocalypse at the fins of sharks and massive twisters.

“None of this is coincidence,” Trump remarked. “After the last sharknado, which the lying mainstream media tried to distract us from, what happened? The Eiffel Tower was destroyed. Just like it was again this week when the terrorist attacked Paris. This is going to happen, people. It’s the biggest threat the world has seen. And I’m going to stop it.”

The president cited a wealth of data to bolster his point -- statistics conveniently glossed over by the press. One issue, Trump noted, is that the 2017 tornado season, arriving in a just a couple of months, will be more aggressive. According to EcoWatch, “Given the very low activity this year, there's a good chance that we will see more twisters prowling the nation in 2017 than we did in 2016.”

Another disconcerting figure comes from Tracking Sharks, which reported record numbers of shark attacks plaguing swimmers last year: “2016 had a record number of shark attacks and bites (107) which surpassed the previous record of ninety-eight set in 2015 by nine.” And scientists believe unprovoked assaults and dangerous encounters will escalate in 2017 as the population continues to grow.

“Back in the 1970s, one nasty great white took out half the population of some hick island near New England -- Amity or something like that,” Trump said. “Don’t look for it, it’s not even on the map now -- because of one shark. Imagine millions of them, being lifted into space by killer cyclones and then dropped like suicide bombers on our country. If they enter our airspace, we’re gonna shoot them down like Jap Zeros.”

Responding to requests for more information, Spicer said Trump’s discovery of Sharknado speaks profoundly to the true deficits in America’s security, and he pledged that executive orders banning flying sharks will be signed this week.

“I’m sure you won’t hear about this in the media, but we’ll give it to you straight,” he added.

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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