Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Trump Honors International Women’s Day with Jobs for Chinese Escorts


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill Clinton was once referred to as America’s “first black president” by Nobel prize-winning author Toni Morrison and Sen. Bernie Sanders. Barack Obama, according to respected Republican pundits, was the nation’s second black president and the first foreign-born Islamic jihadist to occupy the White House. Our latest commander-in-chief has demonstrated a lifetime of profound respect and passion for women. It would be insulting not to brand Trump the country’s “first female president.” And this International Women’s Day, his global ambitions were realized as China approved 38 Trump business trademarks, including one for escort services. “With this terrific deal, we can help get Chinese women out of the sweatshops and into the glamorous, lucrative field of prostitution,” the president said, wiping a proud tear from his eye.

International Women’s Day

On March 8, the world celebrated International Women’s Day, a global recognition of the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women everywhere. The festivities also honor a call to action for promoting gender parity, not just in the sense of equal pay but also in terms of civil rights, legal freedoms and protections equivalent to those enjoyed by men. Although popularized in 1977, the symbolic day traces its origins back to the early 1900s -- still 20 years shy of the Suffragette victory in the United States, which led to the ratification of the 19th Amendment.

Women still face an uphill battle in eliminating income inequality, human rights abuses, the inability to make decisions about their own health and bodies, and the lack of fair treatment and respect. Across the globe, women remain more subjugated and have voices less powerful than men’s in national conversations. President Trump wants to become their champion.

Trump has not not only lavished his accustomed praise on women, he has shown unflagging support for their causes -- from his touching 1991 billet-doux to ladies everywhere, in which he tenderly called them “beautiful pieces of ass,” to his tireless commitment to hosting pageants. In 1997, when he purchased the rights to the Miss USA contest, Trump told Howard Stern: “If you’re looking for a rocket scientist, don’t tune in tonight, but if you’re looking for a really beautiful woman, you should watch.”

Despite the misinterpretations and specious criticisms from fake news media, Trump’s message resonated: Even women of low intelligence or poor education can rise to a position of wealth, adoration and celebrity in America -- and he was instrumental in making those dreams realities. Britain’s The Telegraph maintains a running list of Trump’s comments about women from the 1980s through 2017. It provides countless other examples of the president’s attitude toward women and their roles in society.

How President Trump Honored International Women’s Day

Early Wednesday morning, Trump woke and took to Twitter as usual. But instead of attacking failing newspapers, insidious Democrats, incompetent intelligence agencies and a military that did nothing to save a brave soldier during a botched raid in Yemen, the president made a selfless declaration to women everywhere: “I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve that are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy.”

But detractors fired back with storm of angry tweets. Trump’s reputation in upholding women’s rights and gender parity continues to suffer because of erroneous news reports and slanderous Democrats.

“The dishonest press and their brainwashed cult continue to twist my words out of context,” the president vented. “Like when I talked about just wanting to kiss women. That’s how much I love and respect them. Or when I talked about grabbing women by the p***y. Locker room banter. But think about it. That’s the pathway to a woman’s soul. Her brains. And I have so much respect for their brains. Tremendous respect. But you can’t just grope a woman’s brain. You have to go in through the door. It’s a beautiful door. The baby baton goes in and babies come out. It’s the essence of a woman. There’s nothing inappropriate about wanting to enter her...her world.”

Trump then reaffirmed his vow to finally win the war on women. “My agenda is as pro-woman as it is pro-immigrant,” he told reporters. “To my shrill, whiny critics I say take off the dress and deal with the real issues. Stop crying a like a bunch of stupid girls, man up and grab the problem by the p***y.”

Though not covered by journalists, all of Trump’s activities on Wednesday reflected his stance toward addressing the challenges women confront.

Defunding Planned Parenthood

The House’s bill to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act will include a provision to defund Planned Parenthood health centers. As the ACLU explained: “This bill specifically targets low-income patients by prohibiting them from accessing services like birth control, cancer screenings, and sexually transmitted infection testing and treatment at the Planned Parenthood health centers they trust.” More importantly, it prevents clinics from performing abortions.

“When inner city type women know they can fool around indiscriminately and spread all sorts of venereal diseases and get them taken care of at Planned Parenthood, what’s to stop them from persisting in this behavior?” Trump asked. “Getting rid of the entitlements and the bailouts means they’ll have to become more responsible. In the end, this will make them stronger women.”

And by eliminating access to abortions, Trump said, he will save the souls of would-be murderers and baby butchers. “I don’t want women burning in hell or going to prison for something I can stop,” he added. “I’m making sure they don’t face those judgments or miss out on the gift of motherhood.”

Separating Families During Deportation

“Women and children crossing together illegally into the United States could be separated by US authorities under a proposal being considered by the Department of Homeland Security, according to three government officials,” the Independent reported.

Under the current “catch and release” protocols, immigrant families who are caught entering the country illegally must suffer together through the fraught, lengthy and often unsuccessful naturalization process. Trump’s more humane approach ensures that undocumented women are deported without their children to spare them the shame, the burden of tending to their young in a foreign land, and the likelihood of being gang raped by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers.

Chinese Escorts

On International Women’s Day, the Associated Press revealed that China had granted preliminary approval for 38 new Trump trademarks, “a move that offers a potential business foothold for President Donald Trump's family company and protects his name in a country notorious for counterfeiters.”

The trademarks cover golf courses, hotels and even professional escort services, according to public documents. While concerns have arisen that the deal violates the U.S. Constitution’s Emoluments Clause and serves only personal business interests, the president emphasized the importance of the victory to women.

“With this terrific deal, we can get China women out of the sweatshops,” Trump proclaimed. “They’re going to be able to wash dishes in restaurants, clean hotel rooms, do laundry -- and they’re amazing dry cleaners, believe me -- and enter into the glamorous, lucrative field of prostitution. It’s oldest profession in the world. Brothels built America and they built my family’s fortune. Why shouldn’t billions of Chinese girls have the same opportunities? They shouldn’t be killing themselves for pennies to sew clothes for cheap American fashion brands or assembling iPhone parts. And unlike India, they can’t cash in on call centers. Nobody wants to listen to all that grating ‘ching chang chong gong ping yang’ noise. But you know something? It sure sounds hot in bed.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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