Thursday, February 2, 2012

Enraged Mob of Frozen Americans Kill Groundhog After Extended Winter Prediction

The Gingrich Campaign Capitalizes on the Momentum by Using a Newt to Predict the Length of Obama's Presidency

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to the 2012 Farmers' Almanac, which called its annual forecast "clime and punishment," this winter will see unusually cold and stormy conditions. For some regions of the country, frigid climates will be the norm. In many others, people have been told to expect a substantial amount of rainfall and snow. The areas most affected will be the Northern Plains, parts of the Rockies and the western Great Lakes. For the myriad citizens likely to be impacted by these adverse weather conditions, a great deal of hope was placed on promises of an early spring this morning from Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog who emerges from his den each February 2 to predict the length of winter. But as 12,000 freezing people gathered before dawn in western Pennsylvania, the world's most famous groundhog saw his shadow and delivered the bad news that winter will last another six weeks.

The annual event, normally an excuse for revelry and honoring the kitsch traditions of the region's European settlers, turned ugly immediately after the rodent's prediction.

Millions of Americans this year are without work or the income necessary to provide for adequate heat, shelter and provisions during what promises to be a harsh winter. As the flowing tears turned quickly to fear and anger, mobs of disadvantaged Americans charged the groundhog and tore him apart. Some pulled scraps from the carcass to use for food. Others wrote obscenities on nearby buildings using the animal's blood. And one couple pushed the groundhog's decapitated head onto a wooden spike to parade it about the crowd in effigy.

Organizers say that in the history of Groundhog's Day such violence has never been witnessed. "Imagine what would have happened if he'd predicted another recession," one of the groundhog's handlers said.

In related news, presidential candidate Newt Gingrich stopped pushing for a lunar colony to introduce an even more bizarre campaign stunt -- using a newt (the amphibian related to salamanders) to predict the length of the Obama administration.

"If the newt ventures out to eat where it defecated, then Newt will become our next president," a Gingrich campaign manager explained. "If not, four more years of Obama."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

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