Garner arrived home to find Child Protective Services and local authorities attempting to restrain a drunk and naked Affleck.
"Sometimes Ben likes to sing to Samuel after I feed him. It helps with naptime," Garner nervously explained.
Witnesses claim that Affleck was singing, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…" to the infant, who continued suckling his nipple as he danced wildly around the house, deranged from a day's worth of booze and a "Pearl Harbor" marathon.
But the couple's problems only increased after police pried the child from his father’s bosom.
"It seems that Mr. Affleck lost the baby to Vietnamese slave traders during a poker game. That's outside our jurisdiction, so we had to hand the baby over to his new owners," one officer told the press.
Ben Affleck has admitted to alcohol, drug and gambling addictions in the past. On the bright side, this story has distracted the press from covering Affleck's release of the director's cut of "Reindeer Games" on Blu-ray, which neighbors described as even more repulsive.
(c) 2012. See disclaimers.