Friday, August 5, 2011

Study Conclusively Proves Prom Not Cheap Excuse to Get Laid

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the 2011-2012 school year nearly upon us, researchers from San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD) have uncovered some fascinating information about high school proms. “Despite the dreadful economy and tight spending restrictions that many families have imposed on themselves, the money shelled out on proms continues to increase,” reported Janus Heuchler, PISRAD director and head of the project. Although sometimes discounted as nostalgic displays of bygone pageantry, criticized for being outdated or, even worse, deemed exclusionary to those not in the upper middle classes, proms have experienced a surge in a harsh economic climate that has seen consumer spending drop in nearly every other sector.

“The typical family will spend in excess of $807 this year on prom,” Heuchler continued. “Hotel bookings in the area rose 500 percent during the 2011 prom season. And even though the typical prom dress fell in cost to about $90 from $150, more students are attending the formal dancing event.”

PISRAD, which works closely with government agencies on various sociological studies, also said that the cottage industry sired from prom-related services and products may be the last vital market segment in the nation.

“The government has vowed to increase visibility of proms and to put more pressure on businesses to support these annual black-tie events,” Heuchler explained. “Government programs will also become more prom-conscious. As a result, the U.S. Health and Human Services Department has mandated in a landmark decision that health insurance providers must now fully cover birth control for women. For years, it’s been said by teens that prom is a cheap excuse to get laid. Well, our research has proven that prom is actually a very expensive excuse to get laid, but one that might be necessary for the economic survival of the country.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.