Friday, August 19, 2011

Germany Looks for Migrant Workers to Solve Labor Shortages, Offering Free Housing and Transportation

BERLIN, Germany (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Germany’s stringent rules on employing skilled workers from outside the European Union has come under fire, with the acute shortage of engineers and other highly skilled labor. It’s a problem that analysts predict will worsen because of the aging population and low birth rates. Executives at German corporations have lamented for years that the bureaucratic process of hiring immigrant labor has imposed insurmountable obstacles on critical staff augmentation initiatives.

Immigration is a highly sensitive and politically charged issue in Germany, but the country announced Friday that it will be amending its process, offering millions of guest workers free housing and transportation.

“As proud Germans, we have always been cautious about the purity of our borders and ensuring that the needs of true Germans come first,” said Edsel Deiter, a labor economist with a large Munich-based consultancy. “But, we sorely need the engineering and IT skills. And since we closed down the majority of our factories after the 1940s, terminating millions of laborers along the way, we have lost vital manufacturing resources. So, we are relaxing our immigration policies and making it easier for aliens to live and work in our country.”

The German government, according to Deiter, is offering immigrant workers not only a more efficient naturalization process but also numerous benefits to ease the transition.

Deiter explained the perks of the new labor effort: “The first thing we’re going to do is build special neighborhoods for them to live in. These neighborhoods will be dedicated exclusively to foreigners. And to prevent any backlash from older, more nationalistic German citizens, we are enclosing these communities behind heavily fortified walls for the security of the residents. Each worker will be provided with uniforms and badges to help get them started, and to identify them as guests of German companies. Understanding that they may not have enough money to buy a vehicle initially, we will be offering free transportation by train to their workplaces. We have also re-opened many complexes with on-site housing facilities. They’re charming, historical buildings. And they’re very social, like being at camp. Because these structures were originally designed and used between 1938 and 1945, we can only hold about six million guest workers. But between these sites and the neighborhoods, it should be enough.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.