Monday, April 3, 2017

Pence Orders Special Enclosures to Protect Him When Left Alone with Women


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Vice President Mike Pence was attended to by paramedics and briefly hospitalized this weekend, according to eyewitness reports. The incident occurred at a quiet D.C. bistro on Sunday afternoon. Pence arrived for lunch before his wife, and was seated alone by a female server. Without the spiritual protection of his spouse, Mr. Pence was overcome by the lewd aura of the waitress, which culminated in a severe panic attack. Because similar encounters are more likely to occur, given Pence’s expanded role in government, White House officials announced that they would be designing a protective, portable enclosure for the vice president, similar to the popemobile.

Terrifying Moral Test

Karen Pence, the vice president’s “prayer warrior,” moral shield and de facto chastity belt, had been delayed for the lunch appointment while trying to convert a Middle Eastern cab driver to Christianity. The intense indoctrination ritual, prompted by an urgent message from the Lord, lasted nearly two hours. During that time, diners alleged, Pence was accosted by the temptations of the female server, who molested him with a barrage of impure innuendos, including provocative requests like, “What can I do for you today?” The vice president succumbed to an anxiety attack and fainted. Nearby Secret Service agents summoned medics.

“In 2002, Mike Pence told the Hill that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either,” the Washington Post reported after uncovering the obscure interview.

Pence is not alone in practicing this evangelically motivated guideline. Avoiding time alone with a woman, and thus the appearance of impropriety, is commonly known as the “Billy Graham Rule,” which many conservative Christians have embraced.

At a 1948 meeting in Modesto, Calif., famed minister Billy Graham assembled his ministry team to conceive codes of conduct for his congregation, which emphasized the need for chaperones in socially awkward settings between the sexes. Citing excerpts from Graham’s autobiography, NPR explained the rule:

”The second item on the list was the danger of sexual immorality. We all knew of evangelists who had fallen into immorality while separated from their families by travel. We pledged among ourselves to avoid any situation that would have even the appearance of compromise or suspicion. From that day on, I did not travel, meet or eat alone with a woman other than my wife.”

The sentiment has drawn praise from people who respect the value Pence has placed on his marital commitment. It has also sparked condemnation from critics who claim that the philosophy promotes chauvinism and the perpetuation of male-dominated political offices. They argue that behavioral regulations such as this would prevent Pence from meeting privately with women heads-of-state or even potential staffers. In their editorial for Time, writers Glennon Doyle Melton with Amanda Doyle questioned the nature of the Billy Graham Rule, illustrating the slippery slope to which it might lead.

“What if male professors stopped meeting alone with female students? What if male doctors refused to meet with female patients? What if a Vice President announced he would never dine alone with a black person? If any of these hypothetical rules alarms you, so should Pence’s.”

Pence Served Apple From Eve

Bethany Brightslice, a homemaker from Bennington Vale, happened to be visiting the nation’s capital this weekend. She witnessed the vice president’s torment herself while dining at the same cafe.

“It was just a tragic and terrible thing,” she said. “I felt so bad for the poor man. He got there alone. You could see he was frantically checking his watch and looking for his wife. The server, a woman actually named Eve, tried to seat Mr. Pence several times, but he refused. He told her he had to wait for Karen. But she insisted after about an hour, so Mr. Pence relented. Things got much worse from there.”

The server, Mrs. Brightslice explained, immediately subjected Pence to sexually suggestive dialog.

“You could tell that Eve sensed his virility and the charisma of his measured, monotonous manner of speech,” she said. “Eve’s questions became inappropriate right away. You know, she asked, ‘What I can get for you?’ And, ‘See anything you like?’ It was disgusting and difficult to watch. Mr. Pence broke out in a sweat. But it all went south when Eve recommended the restaurant’s signature dessert -- she called it that -- which was a hot cherry turnover. Suddenly, Mr. Pence cried out in pain and grabbed his crotch. Eve touched his shoulder, like the foul temptress she was named for, and he collapsed to the ground, groaning and trying to staunch the extreme torment pulsing through his nether regions.”

“When help arrived -- and this was humiliating -- you could see that the vice president had wet himself,” Mrs. Brightslice added. “Like, all over. An explosion of white, sticky goo. It’s the fear fluid, you know? I saw such a stain as that once before. My 16-year-old son was having a really intense nightmare. Panting and moaning and thrashing in his sheets and calling out the names of girls in school, like they were pouncing all over him. Such unholy screams. From what I could imply, they were parasites trying to suck the essence out of him. Later, they were forcing him to eat them. I can’t even imagine. It was so bad that he wet his bed. Destroyed it, really. You only see that kind of urine when a man is suffering from extreme anxiety.”

Political experts, while sympathetic to Pence’s ordeal, indicated that hosting individual meetings with women would become an inescapable reality of his role in the White House. “There are female members of Congress,” one analyst said. “You’ve got foreign leaders like Angela Merkel and Theresa May. At some point, Vice President Pence will have to ride an elevator with them or attend a private conference. His wife won’t necessarily be present in those situations.”

On Monday, President Trump briefed scientists from various federal departments on the issue. He promised increased funding and resources for the preparation of tools that will allow Pence to engage socially with women without the threat of physical intimacy. For transportation, a vehicle similar to the popemobile will be constructed. Trump has already dubbed the concept car the Pencemobile. For more personal interactions, Pence will be secured within a sterile plastic bubble, such as the kind that defended children in the 1970s who were stricken with severe combined immunodeficiency (SCID).

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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