Thursday, June 1, 2017

Trump Ditches Paris Accord, Sets Sights on Jurassic Park-Inspired Fossil Fuel Farms


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In struggling to uphold his campaign pledges, many of which have stalled or faded away in a billow of brazen rhetoric, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will withdraw the United States from the Paris accord, a landmark 2015 global agreement to combat the devastating effects of climate change. Trump has generally viewed green energy initiatives as unfounded scams that contribute nothing to the economy, although employment figures, growth projections and financial data paint a different portrait. Instead, Trump seeks to bolster American production and create jobs by reviving the whaling industry and, in an odd remark from the White House Rose Garden, “putting scientists to work engineering a tremendous Jurassic Park full of dinosaurs we can breed and harvest into petroleum -- like an amazing fossil fuel farm.”

Trump Serves Covfefe, Not Cannes

As Reuters reported, Trump tapped into the “America First” message he campaigned on, saying, “I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris.”

“I serve the interests of Covfefe, not Cannes,” he added.

With this action, Trump honors his vow to secede from the international environmental protection body. He also separates the United States from nearly every other nation on the globe, aligned only with Nicaragua and Syria as a non-participant. Despite pleas and outrage from other world leaders, Trump described his decision as a restoration of “American sovereignty,” which has suffered under the “draconian” financial and economic burdens of the accord.

Foreign heads of state united in their criticism of Trump, maintaining a defiant and ironclad front. Most agreed with Belgium’s Prime Minister, Charles Michel, that pulling away from the Paris accord defined a “brutal act” with wider repercussions for developing nations, according to the New York Times.

Mr. Trump took aim at the Green Climate Fund designed to help poor nations deal with the havoc of climate change, calling it a vast scheme to redistribute wealth. In fact, the accord leaves it to each country to decide how they will reduce emissions and how much they will contribute.

Mayors from Sweden to Australia pushed back. “What’s heartbreaking is the damage governments can do in a short time when they’re in power,” said Clover Moore, the mayor of Sydney. “But where national action falters, as we see in the U.S.A. tonight, we see more and more city governments stepping up to provide the leadership we urgently need.”

Creating Pollution Creates More Jobs and Industries

At the end of March, President Trump issued an executive order to expand oil pipeline construction and reduce regulatory oversight of environmental controls. The proclamation rescinded the moratorium on coal exploration and production, while eliminating many Obama-era climate protections. The ceremony took place at the soon-to-be-shuttered Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). Trump and his supporters have insisted that energy independence for fossil fuel industries remains a key ingredient to economic growth. More importantly, rolling back existing curbs on pollution will save and create dozens of jobs, according to labor analysts.

Conservatives have touted Trump’s mastery in clearing away political obstacles, such as Native Americans, from impeding initiatives like the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines. Those projects promised to create upward of 35 permanent positions. The president’s withdrawal from the Paris accord further seeks to capitalize on those impressive employment figures by rolling back climate change policies that have hobbled the fossil fuel and coal mining industries. Analysts say this effort could create tens of jobs, which Trump hailed as “explosive double-digital growth.”

But according to a 2016 report from the International Renewable Energy Agency, or IRENA. “Jobs in the solar industry grew 12 times as fast as overall job creation in the US economy,” the report noted. The country’s 209,000 solar industry jobs in 2015 outnumbered those in oil and gas extraction -- 187,200 -- and coal mining -- 67,929.

In January, however, Trump proposed a “climate-friendly energy plan” that he said would create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel: clean burning whale oil. The president’s cabinet members also believe that pollution can lead to more positive economic outcomes, such as the exponential expansion of employment in health care.

“Imagine that water tables become contaminated,” said DeForrest Tayschon, a representative for Scott Pruitt’s EPA team. “Air quality doesn’t just plummet, the very atmosphere turns to poison. People will need medical attention. Lots of it. That translates to greater demand for healthcare professionals and insurance companies. Instead of saving their money to buy unnecessary luxuries like smartphones and organic produce, Americans will be investing all of their savings into health. It will revitalize the economy and boost it to unprecedented levels. For those who can’t afford treatments? New job openings for interested workers. I also think the funerary marketplace would thrive, again creating more jobs and more economic stimulation.”

Making Fossil Fuels Renewable by Breeding Dinosaurs

Critics of Trump’s nationalistic policies have chided the president for promoting job-creation strategies that ultimately stifle employment growth in other sectors. Green energy is a primary example. With the administration’s downsizing of scientific agencies and outright dismissal of scientists at NASA, the Department of Energy (DOE) and the EPA, lawmakers have attacked Trump for generating unemployment. But the White House believes the construction of a real-life Jurassic Park, headed by scientists, will resolve the issue.

Trump said he plans to hire geneticists, biologists, zoologists, paleontologists, chemists, computer engineers and other experts to breed new species of dinosaurs in a protected area. The administration is also bidding on technologies that can expedite the aging and fossilization process through accelerated decomposition in a specially designed soil structure made from layers of rock, mud and sand. Other creatures, once reaching maturity, will not undergo the fossilization procedure but will be slaughtered like cattle and sold as food to the poor nations the Paris accord claims to benefit.

“Oil comes from dinosaurs,” a White House science spokesperson explained. “If we can find a way to breed and slaughter these lizards, our scientists anticipate a limitless supply of oil for future generations. We will discover new food supplies. We won’t need to negotiate with Muslim terrorists and uppity Canadians any longer. We won’t need to trade with communist countries. And, we’ll develop one of the most important pieces of real estate on the planet. We’re going to crack this baby wide open and start pumping black gold straight out of every hole we can dig.”

Because the transformation from animal to fuel must occur underground, Trump will need to suspend drilling restrictions and open national parks to fracking and excavation. When asked about the potential geophysical dangers of such an undertaking -- ranging from catastrophic earthquakes and tsunamis to opening previously undiscovered volcanic chimneys all over the United States -- Trump’s representative replied that the benefits would outweigh the risks.

“Everything’s a crap shoot,” he said. “You try to negotiate prices with OPEC, and you end up in a war. You set up water mills just to find yourself in a drought. You put up an oil rig off the Gulf and it explodes. This endeavor creates jobs and money and cheap gas prices. Yes, I said it, cheap gas 1940’s rates. Do you want to continue flying your family to Disney World, driving your BMW and having Vaseline in the medicine cabinet? Or do you want to move to some hell hole in Europe where you’ll end up driving a horse-drawn buggy around a beet farm all day?”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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