Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Queen Relieved as Royal Baby Ensures Another Generation of White Heirs to British Throne

Photo courtesy Lefteris Pitarakis/AP

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Straight out of the pages of a fairy tale, and painstakingly planned to be that way, Catherine "Kate" Middleton wed Prince William at Westminster Abbey on April 29, 2011. With William second in the line of succession to 16 sovereign states within the Commonwealth, the marriage was seen by the Royal Family as imperative to preserving the bloodline and The Crown. But the union, despite the flawless execution of the nuptials, was not without its internal controversies -- the foremost being the Queen's displeasure with William's choice of a commoner as a bride. On Tuesday morning, with the birth of a new prince, those concerns seemed almost ancient history. The 87-year-old monarch joined jubilant Britons in welcoming the youngest addition to the Royal Family and breathed a sigh of relief in knowing that at least one more generation of white heirs will ascend the throne.

Common But Caucasian
The country's latest batch of royal progeny demonstrates a shift for the United Kingdom from generations past. The children of Charles and Diana, as they rise to their positions, have infused a sense of youth, modernity and cultural evolution to a society rooted in tradition and a fair amount of stasis. To contemporary Britons, they embody the legacy of Princess Diana more than Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. William and Kate's yet-to-be-named son also represents a sea-change for the future monarchy. For the first time since 1952, Great Britain will see kings running the palace -- until at least the 22nd century.

Despite her misgivings about William's marriage, Queen Elizabeth said she felt confident that she could learn to tolerate, or eventually even develop a sort of fondness for, her mixed-class great grandson. Palace insiders say the Queen has even given the infant affectionate nicknames to reflect its diluted aristocratic and commoner heritage, including "His Majesty's Muggle," "The Court Quadroon" and "The Royal Redbone."

Still, Elizabeth allegedly told aides that she will gladly put up with a slightly impure bloodline over what she fears William's drug-addled and sexually experimental brother, Harry, might bring home one day -- something she had also fretted over during William's youthful dalliances prior to meeting Kate.

"Commoner this baby may be, but we'd rather an Occident than one of Harry's likely accidents," the Queen was reported as saying after William and Kate left the hospital. Fortunately, this birth bumps Harry down to fourth in the line of succession.

Queen Initially Distressed Over Another Commoner Joining the Firm
"This is the second time the royal blood has been diluted," said an insider deep within the ranks of Buckingham Palace. On condition of anonymity, he requested to be called "Andrew."

"If Princess Diana was the 'People’s Princess,'" Andrew continued, "then Kate Middleton is the 'Proletariat’s Princess.' One day, I overheard the Queen voice disgust over the whole affair while watching the telly. 'That girl's practically Hackney,' she snapped after sucking a fag down to its butt in a single breath."

Kate Middleton is the college educated, upper middle-class daughter of entrepreneurial parents who left their jobs as flight attendants to begin a party supply company that now boasts an estimated worth of $50 million USD. To contextualize how the British see the Middletons' class standing from a U.S. perspective, Kate Middleton would be a girl from Oklahoma whose parents worked in a gas station, made some money selling Amway or Mary Kay, and then moved to a suburb in Virginia.

"At least Diana, while still of more common stock, could trace her lineage to viscounts and earls and dukes," Andrew said. "The Middleton rabble trace their bloodline back to the airport. Kate is about as low as they come. She works for a clothing manufacturer. Textiles. It's essentially blue collar."

According to Andrew, the Queen reluctantly blessed the marriage in an attempt to promote a modern image of the monarchy and, more importantly, to ensure that future Royals would retain the White Anglo Saxon Protestant heritage essential to maintaining the majesty, growth and evolution of England as a progressive world power for coming generations.

Crown Secretly in Jeopardy of Becoming Too "Colorful"
Andrew believes that William's choice in Middleton was a bullet dodged: "Although a taboo topic for the British media, the purity of the Royal Family's legacy was not always assured. There was a very perilous moment when the young prince's romantic leanings had seemed to be turning more, shall we say, diverse."

During his education at St. Andrews, William left the country to spend parts of a gap year in Chile, Belize and Africa.

"He corresponded frequently about his infatuation with the cultures there -- with the dark-skinned, exotic women he met in those savage lands," Andrew explained. "Well, after that, the Queen nearly called upon those embassies to extradite William back to England. She worried that he had succumbed to some native diseases, after an MP casually mentioned that William had 'jungle fever' and 'salsa fever.' The situation worsened in 2007 when William and Kate ended their relationship for a brief time. And during that break, the Queen ordered British Intelligence officers to follow William, fearing that he might travel abroad and relapse. The Queen called my office late one evening, with panic in her voice, and said, 'If William keeps at these strange adventures, he shall find himself bent over and straddled by something from Asia or the Pacific Islands. And that won't do at all.' Prince Philip later explained what was going on, and the Queen took ill for a week."

With the successful birth of a pale British heir this week, Andrew says the Queen has expressed tremendous relief.

"Harry and his potential, dubiously English offspring are even further removed from power now," Andrew observed.

"But we do continue to worry about Prince Harry," he cautioned. "He's been spending a great deal of time in the Wood Green district of Haringey. The Queen refers to it as 'that filthy spot with all the Pakis.'"

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