Monday, July 22, 2013

George Zimmerman Rescues Family, Hires PR Firm to Reinvent Him as Superhero


Contributing Writer and Lead Reporter: Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- George Zimmerman, who has not been seen in public since his July 13 acquittal in the slaying of Trayvon Martin, emerged from the shadows last week to rescue a family trapped in their vehicle after it overturned on a Florida highway near his home. The Sanford police captain said one of the crash victims identified the former neighborhood watch volunteer and killer as the man who pulled him from the wreckage. The deputy responding to the accident reported that four passengers -- two parents and their children -- had been rescued by Zimmerman and another Good Samaritan by the time he arrived. Before leaving the scene, Zimmerman informed the deputy that he had noticed the suspicious vehicle and followed it: "It seemed out of place. It was a black or very dark brown, something like that -- not the kind of color we typically see around here." Zimmerman told reporters Monday that recent events have inspired him to become a real-life superhero.

The Seminole County Sheriff's Office described the incident as a single-car accident that occurred around 5:45 p.m. on July 17, involving only the blue SUV, which had somehow rolled over.

Zimmerman's newly retained public relations liaison, Blanche Weiss, called the details "more complex and involved" than that. She also noted the eerie parallels between the SUV and Trayvon Martin.

"Just like in the Martin confrontation, we have no reliable witnesses to pinpoint the precise origins of the explosive event," Weiss said. "But we know George took a defensive posture. Consider the other startling similarities. George, on a routine check of his neighborhood, spies a suspicious looking vehicle moving in an uncertain manner through the vicinity. Its appearance is uncommon for the area; you don't normally see this kind hanging around the driveways of these residences. As George tracks its progress from a safe distance, the SUV slips from view, only to reappear and attack suddenly. It overpowers the helpless family inside, pinning them to the ground. George responds instantly, mangling the charging assailant and saving all those on board."

Representatives from Ford Motor Company, the manufacturer of the vehicle, disputed Weiss' account.

"The SUV in question is one of our most popular models," Ford said in a prepared statement. "We have never received any complaints about its performance, its behavior on the road or its design. It has no history of unprovoked breakdowns or major internal issues. We find it implausible and presumptuous to accuse the vehicle of losing control and turning on its owners without being influenced by external factors. Automobiles don't just explode and roll over on occupants without something else intervening. In our opinion, the overzealous Mr. Zimmerman made a decision to engage based on nothing more than the vehicle's appearance. It's not unreasonable to consider that his actions may even have precipitated the attack."

Blanche Weiss is requesting a full investigation of the vehicle's past by Ford, local police and the Department of Transportation.

"I'm sure this will be another excuse to continue vilifying a local hero," Weiss sighed. "What people in this town aren't focusing on is George's gift. I mean, it's a blessing and a curse, but I believe he has a destiny. There's a reason why he keeps finding himself in the wrong place at the right time -- because he was meant to save lives. Without George's brave and selfless acts, a disturbed teen could have robbed or butchered an entire community. A runaway Ford could have slaughtered a family and never faced justice. But it's George Zimmerman we fear. He's a modern-day Batman or Spider-Man."

Like those comic book characters, Weiss asserts, Zimmerman fights for the common good while dodging the slings and arrows of misguided law enforcement personnel and the press.

Weiss announced her plans to capitalize on Zimmerman's notoriety by helping him embark on a new, equally altruistic venture.

"We're calling it 'Hero for Hire,'" Weiss said. "George will fight the good fight for truth, justice and the right of way."

Unbound by the laws and morals of the average citizen -- a status conferred on him and protected by Florida's Stand Your Ground legislation and double jeopardy laws -- Zimmerman can act as judge, jury and (if threatened, or depending on the level of service a subscriber selects) executioner.

"Few men are willing to fight against the insidious and growing rabble of criminals who are overtaking Florida," Weiss noted. "Few men are legally capable. George is unique."

In the tradition of classic heroes such as Batman, Zimmerman has chosen a name to embody his courage in the face of what he most fears in the world.

"So if you see a shadowy figure lurking around your neighborhood, stalking the terrors in the night and the slaves of injustice, it isn't George Zimmerman -- it's Blackman," Weiss whispered in melodramatic overtones.

She has yet to unveil Zimmerman's new Blackman costume, but assures that her design team is concentrating on practicality rather than glitz.

"The uniform will definitely include bullet-proof vests, a variety of handguns and maybe some chains or shackles," she added.

2013. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.
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