SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Wednesday's ruling against Section 3 of DOMA by the Supreme Court left long-suffering members of the GLBT community jubilant and hopeful, but devastated religious conservatives who are opposed to promoting the rights of people they view as sexually immoral. Former Rep. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) has been one of the most newsworthy anti-gay politicians over the past decade. In 2003, he famously warned that relaxing the legal definition of marriage would open the floodgates to all manner of deviant behavior, including "man on dog" relations. Today, in protest of the Supreme Court's ruling and to illustrate the very dangers implicit in the decision, Rick Santorum announced that he will marry a dog.

During a 2003 interview with the Associated Press, Santorum remarked: "If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything."

"Whether it's polygamy, whether it's adultery, whether it's sodomy, all of those things, are antithetical to a healthy, stable, traditional family," he added.

Because of the court's utter lapse in moral judgment, Santorum fears more than ever the collapse of society.

"Someone needs to set an example, to show America what's going to happen if we don't return to traditional values," he cautioned. "I'm going to marry a pet, sodomize it, cheat on it, secretly marry and sodomize more animals behind its back and, if possible, commit incest. I've got to demonstrate the horrors that wait at the terminus of this slippery slope, otherwise people won't take it seriously."

"I've been thinking of doing something like this for a long time," Santorum admitted. "I've kept my eye on a lot of dogs, cats, gerbils, horses and parakeets in case the worst ever came to pass. I believe I should serve as the example before some latent sicko -- who really wants to have sex with animals -- is allowed to do it, thereby encouraging others."

On Thursday, Santorum announced his intent to commit bestiality, possibly with several species, before the approaching Independence Day holiday, as a "graphic and gory sacrifice for the moral health of the nation."

With any luck, he said, the Supreme Court will reverse its decision and definitively outlaw gay marriage after seeing video footage of his "wedding night with Scooter and Patches," which Santorum hopes to release in the coming weeks.

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