SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It comes as no surprise that conservative politicians continue to denounce the landmark Roe v. Wade decision. It comes as no surprise that these same congresspeople fight tirelessly to find ways of overturning the ruling. So Rep. Michael Burgess' (R-Texas) declaration that the Supreme Court should dissolve the 23- to 24-week abortion window it legalized in 1973 also seems par for the course. What stunned the nation this week was Burgess' reasoning -- that fetuses masturbate as early as 15 weeks into pregnancy and therefore feel pleasure. This also means they feel pain, he contends, which is the basis for his argument to ban abortions much earlier than the prevailing laws allow. Clearly, Burgess is seeking to rally support from religious conservatives who have made ending abortion their foremost political and moral cause. But like abortion, masturbation is also a sin.

In pointing out that nascent, not-yet-viable embryos could be pleasuring themselves in utero -- masturbation being a horrific sin itself -- Burgess may have unwittingly argued the opposite case during the House Rules Committee debate on Monday.

"This is a subject I know something about," Burgess announced boldly before Congress, attempting to curry favor for the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act he's endorsing.

As an OB/GYN of 25 years, according to the GOP Doctors Caucus website, Burgess boasts over two decades of experience watching horny, masturbating fetuses do their thing with reckless abandon. That would seem to make him something of an expert on the subject.

"There is no question in my mind that a baby at 20 weeks after conception can feel pain. The fact of the matter is, I argue with the chairman because I thought the date was far too late. We should be setting this at 15 weeks, 16 weeks… Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain?"

But now, some religious conservatives say they're conflicted about abolishing pregnancy termination procedures. Some say they may even reverse a lifetime of deeply held convictions and endorse abortion as a way to rid the world of sinning babies. They also confess being a "little creeped out" by Rep. Burgess' intimate knowledge of prenatal mushroom plucking.

"The last thing we need crawling outta of some filthy woman is a pervert baby's just gonna grow up a rapist or a killer or a homo or a teacher or a Democrat or something," said Burl Trevenson, a Bennington Vale lottery winner who is credited as Pat Robertson's largest single donor.

Dr. Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist employed by San Narciso-based defense contractor Yoyodyne, further illustrated the conundrum created by Burgess' comments.

"Do we fight to end this scripturally ambiguous practice of possibly killing God's sort-of-maybe creations, no matter how vague and contextually, dogmatically misconstrued our definition of 'living' might be, or do we allow mothers to prevent God's abominations from entering our world, having seen proof of their sinning, which is a lot less ambiguous?" he asked.

Father Linus Preternature, leader of the only Catholic parish in the same Southern California community, admitted grappling with a similar dilemma. He said the Bible contains many passages about the transgression of deviant, unilateral sexual gratification.

"You've got Matthew 5:28-29, where Jesus cautions that any man who has looked lustfully at a woman has committed adultery in his heart. It follows that such a man probably sinned singly on a towel, as well," Preternature offered.

He also pointed out related admonishments in Romans, Ephesians, Corinthians, and the gospels of John and Peter.

"For me," Preternature continued, "the most glaring condemnation of those with a penchant for polishing the Pope is written in Thessalonians: 'It is God's will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.'"

Dr. Goodman cited the lurid story in Genesis of the wicked "seed-spilling" masturbator, Onan.

"Onan was a masturbator so reviled and foul the Lord smote him," Goodman noted. "And that's saying a lot when you consider what the Old Testament God was willing to tolerate: wholesale rape, slavery, human trafficking, ethnic cleansing, and summary execution for violating ubiquitously weird laws -- some over food preparation; not to mention support for mass murdering disabled people on a scale to rival anything that goes on in Texas. And then there's incest. Lots of incest. It would seem that bleeding the serpent is one of the most grievous offenses a person can commit. After what happened in Eden, you'd think choking the cobra would be smiled upon. Apparently not."

Goodman said his new focus on the evils of non-penetrative sexual stimulation, or self-pollution, has caused him to reconsider the meanings of biblical stories he once found innocuous.

"I'm certainly starting to read a lot more into expressions such as 'He laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, and bound him a thousand years,' or 'raising Lazarus from the dead', or 'opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand.'"

Abortion, on the other hand, is not an act specifically or even clearly called out in the Good Book, Goodman and Preternature conceded.

"According to the Bible, a fetus is not really a living person with a soul until it draws its first breath," Goodman said.

Preternature elaborated: "In Genesis 2:7, after man was formed, the Lord 'breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and it was then that the man became a living being.' So although man had a defined biological structure, he was not considered a living entity until after taking his first breath."

Why then are so many of the religious right's soldiers willing to bomb family planning clinics and destroy several lives to spare an unborn fetus?

"Because the Bible's open to interpretation. We just assume the moment of fertilization between the sperm and egg to be the 'first breath,'" Dr. Goodman explained. "Metaphorically."

"So it still works out," Preternature agreed. "It just requires a little more effort. A little more faith."

Republicans state that even if they change their position on abortion, they will refuse to refer to it as an issue of choice.

"It's got nothing to do with pro-choice," said Janis Lane, leader of the Central Mississippi Tea Party. "It's about crushing evil before it has a chance to thrive. We're working now to draft legislation that would make ultrasounds mandatory, along with aborting fetuses that are caught playing with themselves. Compulsory religious counselling for the mothers, most likely, for having spawned the rotten demon seed."

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