Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Reporters Find Romney and Obama's Debate Notes in Lynn University Dumpsters

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Tuesday night's restrained but still contentious presidential debate was the last opportunity for voters to see President Obama and GOP challenger Mitt Romney together until after the election results in two weeks. The stated focus of the final debate was foreign policy, even though both candidates took opportunities to circle back to discussions of the economy. But for all the gaffes, zingers and borderline brawls seen during the three encounters, one mystery remains unanswered: what were the candidates pensively, sometimes furiously, scribbling on their notepads? The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript rescued the discarded messages while digging through the dumpsters behind Lynn University, where our reporters were ordered by campus security to stay until the end of the event. The published transcripts follow.

Notes from the Candidates
OBAMA: Romney doubled down again...this time on the Grecian Formula. Exxon has an exclusive deal to tap his hair for high-grade crude.

ROMNEY: How did I end up on the set of 1974's "Let's Rap?" I just need to remember Paul Ryan's advice: "If that guy gets in your face once more, drop your wallet and run."

OBAMA: Apparently, writing an article called "Let Detroit go bankrupt" doesn't mean we should let Detroit go bankrupt. I suppose that's why Romney suggested killing our way out of extremist threats two minutes after telling me "we can't kill our way out of" extremist threats.

ROMNEY: No American soldiers will die in my new wars. I'm outsourcing the military to Blackwater.

OBAMA: Romney wants to fight for women's rights in Muslim countries but not here at home? Is he outsourcing gender equality now too? Honestly, many Middle Eastern countries treat women the same way Romney does. What's he planning on changing?

ROMNEY: Oooooh, sounds like SEAL Team Six will be paying a visit to Assad soon. You killed a crippled old man with kidney disease and now you're going after an eye doctor, Obama?

OBAMA: To be fair, Mitt has done more to develop foreign economies. He's sent more jobs overseas than I have.

ROMNEY: No, Mr. President, the proper course in Syria is to find the right puppet to pursue our interests. You call yourself a historian and a wonk? Fidel and Raul will have a good chuckle when I tell them about this next week.

OBAMA: Boy, I'm on fire tonight. The 1980's called and they want their foreign policy back. Good one, Barry. I sure hope Mitt goes full neo-con and brings up Reagan's record on Libya. Winner!

ROMNEY: We need to give the Syrian rebels the arms they need. And it just so happens, Bain owns a crapload of arms suppliers.

OBAMA: Now Willard wants to build schools in embattled countries? Hope they take vouchers!

ROMNEY: Why the heck do all these people keep bringing up "Arab Spring?" What is that? Muslim soap? A bottled water company in the Middle East? Does Bain own it?

OBAMA: Did You Know? At Bain Capital, Romney once sold Poland a thousands septic tanks so they could invade Russia. Douche.

ROMNEY: Stop gouging the wealthy, Mr. Obama. We already pay more than everyone else. My car cost $100,000. The people watching at home paid between $14,000 and $17,000 for theirs. Stop punishing success!

OBAMA: Yeah, Mitt, tell us about Latin American opportunities. Polygamy, for instance.

ROMNEY: In Massachusetts, when I was governor, our children scored among the nation's highest in English and math. And under my leadership, our child workers in China scored top in their classes for Chinese and assembly line engineering.

OBAMA: Why is Romney directing us to his website? Is that where he keeps the actual facts?

ROMNEY: If my math doesn't add up, Mr. President, it's because math has failed in your educational programs.

OBAMA: I'm guessing Mitt just dropped eight points in the polls for failing to pronounce nuclear "nuke-you-lar."

ROMNEY: My first cut is Obamacare. It didn't work when I created it in Massachusetts, and it won't work now!

OBAMA: Oh, the nation's well aware of how I negotiate with terrorists, Gov. Romney; just ask Osama bin Laden. Think he's accepted my apology yet?

ROMNEY: I'm so sick of hearing about that one old man on dialysis Obama killed...while the poor bastard was watching porn, no less. Well, I have experience killing too. There was Leola Anderson in that 1968 car crash.

OBAMA: It always surprises me that Romney doesn't pronounce Iran "Eye - Ran."

ROMNEY: I have never apologized on my overseas tours. The Brits and the Palestinians are still pissed at me.

OBAMA: Mitt's hair makes Jack Lord's look disheveled.

ROMNEY: God, Obama is such a pompous, condescending ass. Just because he found Waldo in that book in the Green Room first...

OBAMA: Damn it! Missed opportunity. When asked what the greatest potential threat to the U.S. is, I should've said: "Mitt Romney."

ROMNEY: Why can't China be our partner like they were in the 1880s when they helped build the railroads?

OBAMA: Mitt just said, "I want my country back." Is he planning to annex Mexico? He should be asking Tony Robbins for his money back.

ROMNEY: You promised 5.4% unemployment; we're 9 million jobs short of that. I've met some of those people. Hell, I laid 'em off.

OBAMA: If you're not looking at Romney when he's laughing, you'd swear it was Dwight Frye.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.