Friday, January 20, 2012

After Six Marines Killed in Deadly Helicopter Crash, Conservatives Declare War on 'Terrorist Aircraft Manufacturers'

KABUL, Afghanistan (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In the worst helicopter accident since August 2011, when 30 soldiers perished over eastern Afghanistan, six U.S. Marines crashed in the southern part of the country Thursday when their helicopter went down. All aboard have been declared dead. A spokesperson for the NATO-led International Security Assistance Force said Friday that no Taliban fighters had been active in the area. This latest incident represents just one in a long series of safety issues involving military aircraft. At least 283 personnel have been killed in helicopter crashes since the invasion of Iraq, with another 19 downed in fixed-wing vehicles. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) allegedly told other members of Congress that the number of aircraft-related "murders" has become too large to ignore. Unnamed sources said Graham called the report "a troubling threat to our troops that we can no longer ignore. These helicopters are killing our service men and women, and in that regard, I would urge you to consider them enemy combatants."

Representatives and senators alike have supported Graham in his mission. Given that less than 15 percent of the crashes actually resulted from enemy fire, helicopters have emerged as one of the deadliest, and stealthiest, weapons in the terrorist arsenal.

A ranking member of the Armed Services Committee said: "It's treason, basically. Our helicopters don't support the troops. They're killing 'em. We've been so focused on IEDs and suicide bombers and RPGs that we haven't looked at the nemesis within. It's time to declare war on our helicopters."

Graham also noted that modern, mass-produced helicopters are the byproducts of Soviet engineering, pioneered by the designs of Igor Sikorsky. "They're commie machines of death, mayhem and murder," Graham added. "It's ironic, really. We worked closely with Mujahideen guerrillas to suppress the Soviet threat in the 80s. Now, these same people are using Soviet technology to kill Americans, right under our noses."

Concerned officials have vowed to take decisive action. Using the provisions of the recently ratified National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) Bill 2012, which declares the United States a "battlefield" and authorizes the military to arrest and detain American citizens without charges or trial, U.S. forces are beginning the process of rounding up executive officers from the companies that manufacture helicopters for the military.

"I wouldn't say they're all guilty, but they are now persons of interest -- and highly suspicious ones at that," said a representative for Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.). "If we've found a group of internal terrorists who are sabotaging the war machines we rely on, then we've got a threat more insidious than the Rosenbergs."

Conservatives have rallied in the cause, saying that those who question the morality of armed conflict are traitors deserving of enhanced interrogation under the provisions of NDAA 2012.

"The only rational argument I've heard so far is about how closing down these manufacturing facilities could jeopardize jobs and the economy," said 2012 presidential contender Rick Santorum, an avowed war monger. "The military industrial complex is vital to our survival. It's a core Republican ideal. But what we're proposing is creating a new segment of that economy to build weapons and gunships capable of destroying the terrorist helicopters freely operating on our soil. All the workers who've been duped into making these patriot-killing deathtraps can quit their jobs and enlist in this new effort. And those who don't can fester in Guantanamo with the CEOs we've rounded up. Let me tell you, getting a 'Cuban Cigar' in a military prison isn't something your mouth looks forward to."

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.