Friday, June 17, 2011

Australian PM Gillard Not Considering Nauru, Proposes Malaysia Solution Until Final Solution is Determined

CANBERRA, Australia -- Between 2001 and 2007, the Australian government embarked on an austere anti-immigration policy, commonly referred to as the Pacific Solution. The official policy involved intercepting asylum seekers at sea and then transporting them to detention camps set up on Christmas Island, Manus Island, and on the tiny island nation of Nauru. The policy was abandoned by the Australian Labor Party in 2007. Given the failure of Germany’s harsh naturalization policy in the 1940s, which also involved detention camps and the word “solution,” amnesty groups are left scratching their heads at Opposition Leader Tony Abbott’s interest in re-opening the Nauru facility and PM Gillard’s people-trading deal with Malaysia.

Gillard Proposes New Malaysia Solution Until Final Solution is Agreed Upon
Ironic Prime Minister Julia Gillard, an admitted atheist who opposes gay marriage in Australia on biblical grounds, also opposes what she calls “irregular maritime arrivals.”

According to Gillard, the Malaysian Solution will not only streamline immigration processes, it will also curb the business of people smuggling. Gillard has proposed that the first 800 asylum seekers to Australia be sent to Malaysia -- “to the back of the queue,” as she put it -- instead of to Christmas Island, where they are more likely to obtain visas. In turn, Australia will give a permanent home to 4,000 Burmese refugees over a period of four years, who are now residing in or near the Malaysian capital.

“I understand that around the world there are certain unfortunate allusions to what we’re doing here, but I urge other governments to see the differences,” Gillard appealed. “First off, we are not sending brown people to the back of the bus, as it were. We are sending them to the back of the queue. Secondly, people smuggling is wrong. People trading, however, is perfectly reasonable. Thirdly, understanding that immigration violators in Malaysia are often subjected to vicious canings, we are providing the refugees we remand there with Australian ID tags that read, ‘Special Delivery from Canberra: Hugging is Australian for Caning, Mate. Please Don’t Beat Us.’”

Immigration Minister Chris Bowen told reporters, “I don’t want children getting on boats to come to Australia thinking or knowing that there is some sort of exemption in place,” clarifying that his concern was for the safety of children whose parents may attempt to send them alone on the perilous journey to Australia.

Gillard supported her stance, quoting Exodus: “They shall not dwell in your land lest they cause you to sin against Me.”

When a reporter challenged Gillard by citing Leviticus (“The strangers who sojourn with you shall be to you as the natives among you, and you shall love them as yourself”), the Prime Minister replied, “I’m an atheist, so that means nothing to me, you dill.”

Revisiting Nauru
As the situation now stands, those parties opposed to Gillard’s government believe that re-opening the detention centers on Nauru may be the most feasible and cost-effective options available. Marcus Stephen, Nauru’s president, agreed.

Nauru, the smallest island nation in the world, is in peril. Forty years ago, it was one of the most prosperous nations on the map because of its rich phosphate mines. However, phosphate mining has destroyed the soil and left nowhere to produce food. Stephen sees reactivating the detention center as bolstering the local economy.

“The problem with Nauru is that it can’t sustain itself, let alone support a penal colony,” said Gillard. “Nauru remains out of the question for me. And what kind of country could emerge from a penal colony? Can you imagine shipping convicts to some island and hoping that a government could somehow evolve? Preposterous. There’s no longer a viable economy, there’s a lack of fresh drinking water, and there’s nothing to eat but yeast and salt. Like most Australians, I’m quite partial to marmite, but I wouldn’t want to live on it.”

Chris Bowen also pointed out that Nauru withers under a 90-percent unemployment rate, and 40 percent of its population is diabetic, owing to poor nutrition. He fears that the people of Nauru may abandon their struggling nation if thousands of alien asylum seekers are dumped on their shores, creating a new group of refugees and a new set of immigration issues in the Pacific.

“What drivel,” quipped Opposition Leader Abbott, who is championing the re-opening of Nauru’s detention centers. “If massive unemployment and chronic health problems from poor nutrition were such blights on a society, please explain to me why so many people around the world remain desperate to start new lives in the United States?”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.