Tuesday, June 21, 2011

FDA Unveils Grim “Universal” Warning Labels for Harmful American Consumables

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The FDA on Tuesday introduced a series of gruesome warnings, featuring graphic depictions of lifeless bodies, surgical scars and diseased tissue. The labels were intended to be placed on cigarette packaging and advertisements, but after meeting with influential lobbying groups, agency officials now plan to post these enhanced warnings on a variety of questionable consumables.

“The FDA is helping responsible companies target those growers and manufacturers who do not operate with the same level of oversight as large corporations,” explained a lobbyist representing Archer Daniels Midland. “Let’s face it, organic simply means it was grown in a dirty, untreated environment. Animals may have defecated in that soil. There are no chemicals present to treat possible diseases. We think that’s the real threat to America’s health.”

Samples of the proposed FDA product labels follow. Warning: some images may be disturbing to readers.

“Cigarettes will kill you,” an FDA spokesperson conceded, “but they’ll take a lot longer to do so than many of the untested ‘natural, locally grown’ foods you may find at the market. With the push to create healthier alternatives, we’re seeing huge strides in the U.S. food industry: french fries cooked in vegetable oils, lean TV dinners, diet soda pops, light menus in restaurants, and fish raised on corporate farms -- not dredged up from polluted seas. Better yet, these products have already been tested and approved by the FDA. However, our research shows that just about everything you find at local farmer’s markets, along with ‘organic’ produce sold at boutique grocers, is potentially lethal. So, we’ve designed the cigarette warning labels to be universal for any non-packaged product you can stick in your mouth.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius also prepared a “universal” news release covering all food, beverage and tobacco items deemed dangerous:

The FDA is committed to protecting our nation’s children and the American people from the dangers of [ENTER PRODUCT NAME HERE] use. These labels are frank, honest and provide powerful depictions of the health risks of [SMOKING/EATING/DRINKING PRODUCT NAME HERE]. We are confident they will help encourage consumers to quit, and prevent children from [SMOKING/EATING/DRINKING PRODUCT NAME HERE].

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

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