Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Japan Earthquake Shortened Earth’s Day and Caused Sky to Fall, Say Congressional Republicans

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- An analysis of the devastating March 11 earthquake in Japan, presented by geophysicist Richard Gross of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, has found that the intense temblor accelerated the planet’s rotational velocity, shortening the length of the 24-hour day by 1.8 microseconds. Newly elected Congressional Tea Party Republicans promptly commissioned an independent study to refute JPL’s findings, claiming that only a higher power or historical inaccuracies in gauging the speed of the planet’s revolution -- both feasible explanations -- could account for the discrepancy. However, the results of their analysis, published today, revealed data more perilous than previously believed about the condition of Earth.

The head researcher for the study, entitled Investigating Alleged Planetary Alterations from Massive Tectonic Shifts (IAPAMTS), addressed the House of Representatives today with this message: “Ladies and Gentlemen of Congress, the sky is actually falling.”

Past Precedents and Panic from Time Disruptions
According to Abel Wharfinger, the dean of History at San Narciso College, “The idea of time vortices, dating back to the eighteenth century, are not only common but troubling. There’s enough historical evidence to show that whenever the time table is altered by an event, whether man-made or otherwise, it shakes people to both their spiritual and psychological cores. As one example, historians will never quite escape the paranoia created during the Eleven Missing Days of ‘52.”

Wharfinger’s reference chronicles the 1752 Gregorian “Calendar Reform,” which cut 11 days from the calendar by an act of Parliament to better align dating conventions with new measurements of the earth’s spin and orbit, undertaken by astronomers.

“Charles Mason, of the Mason-Dixon land surveying duo, recorded the fantastic and haunting event in his journals,” Wharfinger explained.

“According to Mason, people caught in the time vortex wandered a strange limbo as a ‘vast Hive of Ghosts not quite vanish’d into Futurity’ for 11 days. During this period, Mason claimed to have discovered a band of Pygmies who had set up plantations outside of corporeal chronology, effectively removing themselves from independent time. But he also warned that, for reasons unknown, these Pygmies would continue to chase us across the borders of a ‘doubly occupied time.’ This conspiracy, shared by many students of history, spawned a great deal of spiritual dread, which has endured to this day. I worry that bringing up the 1.8 microsecond increase in Earth’s speed will help these terrors resurface.”

The Sky Really is Falling
In light of the new findings, conservatives who initially opposed environmental research are now calling for its renewal.

At the beginning of 2006, conservative Republicans began demanding serious reform over the government’s funding and control of NASA. James Hansen, one of the agency’s top climate scientists at the time, disclosed that political appointees from the Bush administration had threatened him about speaking of the dangers of greenhouse gas emissions, global warming, and other “undisclosed geophysical dangers.” NASA, caving to political pressure, removed the phrase “to understand and protect our home planet” from its mission statement.

Janus Heuchler, director of San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD), acknowledged the irony but defended the Bush administration.

“I honestly believe they were trying to protect people from the extraordinary and supernatural Unknown stalking us from parallel dimensions...that is, until they could find a way to explain or contain it,” Heuchler said. “Unfortunately, that led to calls by conservatives to defund many branches of NASA. And yes, now they’re upset that President Obama has done just that. The realization of lost jobs played a part, but they understand that there’s a much bigger problem facing them today, and they’re prepared to do the right thing. Just read the report.”

According to the Investigating Alleged Planetary Alterations from Massive Tectonic Shifts study, the change in time has generated the potential for a much larger catastrophe:

The full effects of the 9.0 magnitude earthquake in Japan remain unknown. The epicenter was located near the east coast of Honshu, 231 miles northeast of Tokyo. The shift in tectonic plates on the Pacific floor triggered tsunami warnings, increased the speed of the planet’s rotation, and shifted Earth’s figure axis. Our best estimates suggest that when the fault plates lurched, the planet was thrown off balance, with an increase in centripetal wobble as much as four meters. This has created an anomaly in the magnetic poles, which has in turn compromised gravitational fields.

House Representatives responsible for the study concluded the address before their peers with the dire assessment that “the earthquake in Japan has lowered the sky by four inches. There’s nothing to say it won’t keep lowering until we all burn up or suffocate as the atmosphere bears down on us. In short, the sky is falling. This is simply beyond the realm of our science to explain. It’s a judgment. The sky is falling, and 2012 awaits us. We must take action before it’s too late.”
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