Stanley Kotex, a senior nuclear engineer at San Narciso-based Yoyodyne and former Tea Party candidate for Congress, addressed the City Council for a second time to downplay these concerns -- and tout the increased exposure as a potential cure for cancer.
Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself
“I’d like to reiterate again that the western coast of the United States has nothing to fear from the tragic events at Japan’s nuclear sites,” Kotex said. “Our produce is not in danger, and we don’t even import our food from Japan. We’re Americans. We import our food from Latin America. Second, since when are we taking anything the Austrians say seriously? This is a country that opposed annexing itself with Germany on several occasions, but when Hitler proposed the Anschluss, 99.73 percent of the people voted to ratify the fait accompli. Moreover, Austria recently authorized an asset freeze on Libya, further bogging down oil exports and driving prices higher. Clearly, Austrians are a people riddled with unreliable numbers, contradictions, self-loathing, and a hatred of energy producers. We can’t trust their research.”
Radiation Helps More than Harms
Kotex also attempted to convince San Narciso County residents that even in the worst case scenario, heightened levels of radiation pose no serious health risks.
“I’ve never understood this fear of nuclear energy or radiation poisoning,” Kotex continued. “Let’s look at the facts. And by that, I mean what facts? Marie Curie, whom I referenced last week, spent her life exposed to radioactive materials. She died from a rare blood disorder. What about Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Regrettably, the United States was forced to destroy those islands with atomic bombs. But we really don’t have any basis for believing that radiation poisoning killed any of those people. It was the force of the explosion that killed the inhabitants of those islands, not some mythical cancer caused by radioactive particles. They all died quickly, so we have no way of knowing anything about the effects. But here’s what we do know: the Japanese have the longest life expectancy rates of any people in the world. Plus, we conduct nuclear weapons tests all the time in Nevada -- detonate bombs in the desert -- and no one in California, Arizona, or Las Vegas is dying of radiation poisoning, are they?”
Kotex then went on to cite the medical benefits of radiation.
“My final point is this: radiation is not the killer but the cure. The primary concern, as I hear it, lies in the mistaken perception that radioactivity causes cancer. Does it? Think about this. How do we treat people who have already contracted some form of cancer? Radiation therapy. We force radiation through their bodies to kill the cancerous cells. In my opinion, if the Fukushima reactors melt down and spew irradiated debris right into the California weather system, it might be the best thing for us. Over 600,000 people in the United States die from cancer each year. Maybe a little nuclear fall out will help kill off that terrible disease and bring mortality rates back to manageable levels. Maybe, just maybe, this is a blessing in disguise.”
Kotex ended the speech by drinking a glass of irradiated water to prove his point.
“See?” Kotex concluded. “I’m fine. As I said last week, I’ve put on a couple of pounds, lost some hair over the stress of this incident, and am battling a nasty stomach virus, but I’m still standing here. I just drank eight ounces of highly radioactive water. Do I look like I’m dying? Didn’t think so.”