Wednesday, March 9, 2011

House Republicans Accidentally Cut Themselves From Budget

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- After dethroning fiscally reckless Democrats from the House of Representatives, and riding high on aggressive campaign promises to slash the deficit, House Republicans presented a proposal to gut $2.5 trillion in spending from the federal budget over the next 10 years. Gone would be Amtrak subsidies, bloated checks to the Legal Services Corporation and National Endowment for the Arts, and some $900 million to run the President’s hotly contested, socialist health care agenda.

The “Spending Reduction Act of 2011,” proposed by members of the conservative Republican Study Committee, was intended to reduce current spending levels for non-defense, non-homeland security, non-veteran, and essentially all non-military programs. However, in the flurry of slashing items from the budget, Republicans inadvertently ended all public funding for Congress, effectively sending themselves to the unemployment line for benefits, which they also eradicated in their proposal.

The Spending Reduction Act of 2011
The Act -- which kills trivial academic initiatives, dubious scientific research, infrastructure, transportation, environmental protection measures, and a host of other ventures best left to private corporations -- would also seek to eliminate unnecessary federal control of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, cut the superfluous federal workforce by 15 percent through attrition, stop funneling tax dollars into programs that protect outdated national landmarks, and restore over $80 billion stolen from taxpayers to fund Obamacare.

Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso’s foremost conservative political action committee -- Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- defended the controversial cuts.

“We can’t continue to avoid the realities of the world we live in, despite all the liberal claptrap about peace, love, and understanding,” Olden-Whitely said.

“The military is, and always has been, the most efficient and profitable business in the world. If we’re going to tax people, their money would be better spent on an industrial complex that can provide jobs and revenues. Even in the earthly time of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the military was the employer of choice. If you really think about it, Jesus himself was in the process of building his own military to compete with Rome. Sure, he had to suspend those efforts to carry on with more important affairs, but his dream was realized later during the Crusades with the formation of the Knights Templar. The first multinational, corporate banking institution. And an army, I might add.”

Olden-Whitely supported the elimination of school and arts programs as well.

“Schools in America are expensive and under-performing. Our students aren’t competitive internationally. So, just like any smart enterprise, we’re proposing to outsource our education and students. Most of these kids speak some form of English, so it should be easy to do. And providing for their needs costs pennies on the dollar. Our indigenous children can enlist in the military, which offers benefits and an assured career path. It’s a win-win.”

With the pending eradication of police and other public emergency services, Olden-Whitely again cited the ability of the military to assume control of these responsibilities, providing employment opportunities for those displaced during the transition.

“War is inevitable. It’s going to happen, and it’s going to affect every generation. We need to be ready to defend our freedoms. Look, it’s not as though we’ve ever gone into a country uninvited or unprovoked. America doesn’t occupy or assert its values on others. We protect our people. Now that seems a more noble calling for capable workers than grading essays or painting pictures, don’t you think? ”

Proposed Elimination of Congress
Although supportive of the most drastic cost-cutting measures contained in the Act, Olden-Whitely relented when questioned about the necessity of Congress, which is now slated to disband.

“Clearly, it was a mistake,” Olden-Whitely admitted. “With all the red ink the GOP used to slash the red ink from Washington, I think they crossed too many t’s and completely blotted out too many i’s. I’m not sure how this will shake out. If there’s a government shutdown, which we’ve threatened, and then this passes, the government may never start back up. I could accept it if the only people involved were those activist judges.”

When asked about the odds of a favorable outcome or resolution, Olden-Whitely offered only this: “I’m hoping we can get it fixed. The Democrats in the Senate are a pretty forgiving bunch. I mean, they’re Democrats -- you know, grown-up hippies. I’m sure they’ll step in there and do the right thing by bailing us out of our recent mess. Wouldn’t be the first time, right? Those idiots will never learn.”