Monday, March 14, 2011

Public Restroom Closures Largely Unnoticed

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Last week, at the request of Mayor Manny DiPresso, the San Narciso Public Works Department closed all public restrooms located on Bennington Vale city property. DiPresso cited the need for additional budget cuts to combat the threat of “Hollisterization” gripping hold of the city. After completing the necessary paperwork, DiPresso admitted that he was flushed with pride over the success of his efforts and the sweeping support for the act.

DiPresso expressed confidence that the cuts would not soil his reputation or cause a stink in the community.

Cleaning House Begins in the Bathroom
“Cleaning up a city starts with its dirtiest places. The most cost effective way of dealing with it is not to let it get dirty in the first place,” explained Mayor DiPresso, reflecting the feeling of many residents.

“Once the filth has taken hold, it’s only a matter of time before the city becomes synonymous with that filth. We won’t make the same mistakes that Hollister has made. This move prevents illicit usage and exploitation of public facilities, while promoting patronage of local businesses. The silence from the community is an endorsement of the program’s success.”

Retired area crossing guard Bernard Curmudgeon expressed his support more colorfully: “Queers and junkies are the only people to use those places. Fortunately, I’m still regular and evacuate weekly -- every Sunday morning before church. Like any God-fearing American should.”

Financial Gain from Cuts a Crap Shoot
Unfortunately, not everyone has taken the same interest in preserving the quality of life in San Narciso County. Quoted on the condition of anonymity, local Public Works Supervisor Paul Obermann dourly exclaimed, “The cost savings potential is insignificant because nobody uses the restrooms anyways. And if they aren’t used, there’s no reason to spend money cleaning them. The Council should be focusing on the strain that the ‘Sunday Flush’ places on the city.”

The “Sunday Flush,” according to Obermann, is a localized phenomenon that occurs “between 7:30 and 8:00 every Sunday morning, when nearly every county resident baptizes their mud monkeys before heading off to church to baptize their souls. The system is at 100-percent capacity during this time, and if it fails, the cleanup costs alone could run into the millions of dollars.”

Cimberly Klarke, a waste management strategist, disagrees with Obermann’s vision of fiscal doom.

“I’ve done a lot of work with human waste management planning, and politically conservative communities produce significantly less solid waste per person, regardless of the level of food intake,” Klarke explained. “The distention that results from the willful retention of waste over time increases internal capacity and reduces the likelihood of a complete elimination in a single session. The ensuing fecal impaction results in an average consistency close to that of indurated clay. Any breach in the system is likely to repair itself after a few hours of dehydration.”

Klarke also indicated that a healthy conservative lifestyle promotes conservative views.

“As the intestines optimize themselves for maximum efficiency, the colon becomes a second stomach; food is re-digested multiple times until it is void of any caloric energy. Like a stomach, the colon is intolerant to any potential violations of the system, and this becomes motivation for other classic conservative behaviors. However, similar to the chicken and the egg conundrum, we cannot determine which of the original factors influences the creation of the other.”