According to Bronx Zoo officials, a 25-year-old man lept from a monorail-type tram and landed in a tiger habitat. One of the deadly cats immediately pounced on the victim, causing severe injury to his leg and foot. Some accounts suggested the tiger ate the man's foot. The hapless victim also suffered deep lacerations to his back.
Zoo personnel responded quickly to the incident, fighting off the tiger with fire extinguishers. As the animal backed away, the man was able to roll under the electrified security fence to safety.
At the time of the initial reports, investigators had been unable to determine the man's reason for plunging into the tiger enclosure. At the hospital, however, the victim told doctors that he had desperately needed to find a nearby toilet and relieve himself. Because of the high humidity, he had consumed a large quantity of water.
"You know, I'd just bought this stupid, f------, piece of s--- iPhone 5 and thought I'd use the new map thing the hermaphrodite Apple genius was all hot and bothered about," the man explained from his hospital bed. "So, I spin up the app and it shows a bathroom right below me. It wasn't that far down, and I wasn't going to p--- myself on the train, so I jumped off. Right into a f------ tiger feeding frenzy. What else was I going to do? According to Apple Maps, the only other toilets in all of New York were on Hart Island, the A train outta Queens and Flatbush. Like, literally, the entire community of Flatbush. One big outhouse. And I guess that makes some sense."
Apple spokespeople expressed their sympathies for the man's injuries, but also called them superficial compared to the company's loss of Steve Jobs.
"Without Steve's vision and commitment to quality, this is the best we're going to be from now on. The government's always talking about the problem of joblessness. They have no idea," the spokesperson said.
As a goodwill gesture, Apple sent Victoria's Secret beauty Doutzen Kroes to the hospital by limousine to deliver the mauling victim a $10 iTunes gift card with a handwritten note from President Tim Cook that said "iSorry."
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