"Millions will perish if we can't produce enough bacon to mask the disgusting flavor and rubbery texture of the common British diet." -- PM David Cameron
The statement went on to describe the English palate as "physically incapable of ingesting any food absent of bacon," prompting Prime Minister David Cameron to declare a national state of emergency on Wednesday.
"It's inescapable -- millions will perish if we can't produce enough bacon to mask the disgusting flavor and rubbery texture of the common British diet," Cameron told reporters, bravely burying his emotions beneath the renowned veneer of English calm.
Nutritional experts in the United Kingdom agreed.
"Mr. Cameron's message was not hyperbole, nor was it meant to be," said Dr. Fahmida Khalili of the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. "British cuisine -- and I use that word almost figuratively -- is so vile and instinctively repugnant to the human body, Britons under the age of 70 can't keep it down on their own."
But in a cruel irony, they also can't survive on wholesome foods, according to Dr. Khalili.
She went on to explain that "vegetables, fruits, whole grains, foods without additives or preservatives, pasteurized dairy products, meat not tinned or broiled or fried in chip fat -- even minimal consumption of these items could provoke immediate cardiac arrest. Bacon seems to be the only thing that works."
Baconalia in Great Britain is not the epicurean, quasi-religious experience it's become in the States. Porcine-inspired toothpaste, vodka, lingerie, dental floss and lip gloss may be trendy status symbols to flair-conscious American hipsters, but cured pig is serious business to Brits with a functional sense of self preservation.
"Despite obesity rates in the U.S., the average American's diet is practically vegan compared to that of a British subject," Dr. Khalili continued. "It's important to remember that any society with a thriving beer culture has bilious cuisine. Without the substantive texture and rich taste of bacon, the British digestive system would reject the food it needs to live: Jellied Eel, Spotted Dick, Broiled Budgie, Butty Hedge Rounds, Brined Cockle Hocks, Crowing Bloaters, Toad Pokers, Mashies and Knockers, Sputternut Rumbledeeshank and Pusturd."
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