Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Write-in Presidential Candidate F. Chester Greene Knows What War is Good For: America

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the 2012 presidential election just weeks away, and with Mitt Romney's popularity waning among Republican voters, conservative write-in candidate F. Chester Greene has shifted his campaign into high gear. The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript recently acquired documents illustrating Greene's plans for economic stimulus should he win the presidency. The document starts with a missive from Greene stating, "The current president thinks legalizing marijuana can help to build the economy. We all know this because he keeps courting potheads like that Kumar fellow, who's also a terrorist. Well, I've got a better plan." Simply put, Greene's plan is for America to declare war on China.

According to the proposal, Greene's administration will declare war on China and "seize any property owned by" Chinese nationals in the United States. "It is well known that during America's recent and continuing depression, Chinese nationals came in and bought up all of our American land," Greene argued.

Studies cited in the plan indicate that this newly acquired land can be re-sold to "right and true Americans" for a fraction of the value, increasing spending in America and giving the ailing nation "a much needed shot its economic arm." Not only this, Greene added, it is also "well known by all God-fearing Americans" that "war is good for the American economy; it always has [been]."

China holds more than $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt. A military victory would enable America to simply drop its outstanding monetary commitments to China or Chinese institutions. Because Greene will be planning the war in advance, the United States can push as much debt as possible onto China and then "pull the rug out from under them." The elimination of this fiscal liability, which Greene views as the albatross around America's neck, will instill citizens with "a greater sense of reliability in their country, their economy, and their President, F. Chester Greene." Freeing the nation from financial obligations to foreign interests will naturally lead to economic stimulus, deficit reduction, and growth.

"Let Barack Hussein and his terrorist buddy Kumar smoke on that for stimulus," Greene wrote in his plan.

Of course, the proposal also includes an exit strategy from the war. "Anyone with sand between their ears knows you have to have an exit strategy," Greene noted.

And his strategy, heralded as genius by some military experts, involves America further confounding an enemy already taken by surprise by demanding restitution as the wronged party. Greene's plan lays out that "the Gongs [sic] will be so bewildered they'll have to accept any peace overtures." Consequently, he believes this will be recorded as "America's shortest war for the greatest economic gain."

Should hostilities continue long term, Greene invoked the historical precedent of the world rapidly siding with the United States for "still standing in God's good graces" while China will likely face increasing pressure from foreign governments to capitulate. To ensure a strong coalition of allied support, Greene also included a provision to "stop giving grain to any countries that do not support our war."

F. Chester Greene was not available for comment at the time of this article's writing.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.