Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Chick-fil-A Stops Funding Anti-Gay Groups, Chooses Almighty Dollar over The Almighty

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On July 18, Chick-fil-A COO Dan Cathy sparked an uproar when he confirmed the company's support of an undeniable anti-LGBT philosophy, writing in a blog post: "I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say, 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.' And I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about." In response, Christian conservatives urged their supporters to frequent Chick-fil-A restaurants while gay rights protesters staged demonstrations at chains across the nation. On Wednesday, however, the company formally announced plans to retreat from the debate and cease funding groups with anti-gay agendas. "We had a tough decision to make," Cathy said in a press statement. "Do we support The Almighty or the Almighty Dollar? At the end of the day, after much introspection and prayer, it seemed obvious that God Himself would've chosen the dollar. How else do you explain tithes, collection plates, fundraisers, church tax shelters, retail-based holidays and Bain Capital? God created money, so He must want us to embrace it as with all His creations."

According to the advocacy group Civil Rights Agenda (CRA), a letter from Chick-fil-A to NBC indicated that the chain would be taking "a much closer look at the organizations it considers helping," and would not contribute to any group sponsoring an overt political platform. Representatives from Chick-fil-A hope to find less obvious but equally bigoted advocates for future discrimination endeavors.

"Going forward, our intent is to leave the policy debate over same-sex marriage to the government and political arena," the letter said.

But the outspoken Mr. Cathy was also quick to note that the specific language in the letter should not deter conservative patrons from endorsing Chick-fil-A.

"Just to be clear," Cathy said, "our stance is to stop donating money to organizations who would fund political agendas such as gay marriage. The fate of matrimonial rights for same-sex reprobates is a legal decision, one we want no part of. However, the issue of homosexuality remains a moral one. We still fervently believe gays are filthy, godless, child-molesting, puppy-kicking, dope-shooting, flesh-eating sodomites bent on the destruction of the American family, decency and taste. Allowing Rosie O'Donnell on television should be sufficient proof to the latter. Whether gays have the right to wed is a different argument than whether they will go to Heaven, which we know they won't. The voters will decide the fate of their marital status. God will determine when they get AIDS, perish after terrible suffering and pain, and burn for eternity in Hell, where poorly coiffed women in last season's shoes will flay the skin from their roasting corpses while singing Broadway tunes off key and misquoting the lyrics. We hope our customers take solace in knowing we have not betrayed our belief in the values of Christ's teachings or his divine love for all his children."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.
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