Monday, October 17, 2016

Pence Buys Sex Doll for Trump to Safely Sate His Predatory Tendencies


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The rift between Donald Trump and Republicans continues to widen. Not only has the GOP presidential nominee launched relentless attacks targeting House Speaker Paul Ryan, he has frequently dismissed or countered statements by his running mate, Gov. Mike Pence (R-Ind.). The beleaguered vice presidential candidate appears to be foundering in his efforts to stave off Trump’s verbal and sexual assaults against women. The tactics of evading the issue or redirecting conversations to national security have done little to assuage critics. In a last-ditch move to placate Trump’s unsavory urges, Pence has reportedly purchased a custom-made RealDoll, the lifelike sex toy that replicates the physical dimensions and aesthetics of a woman. Spokespeople for Pence defended the unorthodox decision as a way for Trump to act out his predatory tendencies without actually assaulting women, or raping teenage girls.

From Champion of Conservatism to Custodian of Chauvinism

Mike Pence had his work cut out for him when he joined Donald Trump in the race for the White House. Rather than preparing himself to preside over the United States Senate, Pence has seen his role devolve into that of a Sisyphean public relations officer. Repairing the damage left in the wake of Trump’s unfiltered misogyny is no small feat. One political analyst commented, “If I were in Pence’s shoes, I would envy the janitor of a holocaust. Easier to clean up, and you know there aren’t more bodies coming.”

Not only have Pence’s responsibilities turned entirely remedial, he regularly finds himself at odds with his partner. Consider the aftermath of the second presidential debate. When questioned about his running mate’s conflicting statements on Russia, Trump exposed one of the most telling aspects of his relationship with Pence: “He and I haven’t spoken, and I disagree.” To the dismay of conservative loyalists, it appeared that Trump and Pence had quickly eloped, bypassed the honeymoon and jumped straight into a marriage of livable hatred.

Pence was spotted at an airport that same night, trying to leave the country for Costa Rica in disguise. Security personnel noticed bruises on Pence’s face, though the full extent of the damage was obscured by the wig and false beard. Through security camera footage, a TSA officer was heard asking Pence, “Did Donald do this to you?”

Sobbing, Pence replied, “Daddy hits me because he loves me.”

To his credit, Mike Pence has been unable to demagnetize his moral compass. Even ahead of the ill-fated second debate, Pence publicly condemned Trump’s derogatory behavior toward women.

“As a husband and father, I was offended by the words and actions described by Donald Trump in the eleven-year-old video released yesterday. I do not condone his remarks and cannot defend them,” Pence said in a statement. “I am grateful that he has expressed remorse and apologized to the American people. We pray for his family and look forward to the opportunity he has to show what is in his heart when he goes before the nation tomorrow night.”

More recently, Pence began dodging these discussions to tout the campaign’s foreign policy prowess. And now, Pence is once again destroying any semblance of unity with Trump by contesting the charges of a rigged election. On Sunday’s Meet the Press, Pence told the hosts, and the nation, “We will absolutely accept the results of the election.”

Trump’s unapologetic objectification of women will certainly influence ballot results. However, like Paul Ryan and other GOP leaders, Pence will not withdraw his endorsement or quit supporting Trump. Unlike his colleagues, Pence plans to do something about it. A rubber sex doll may be the Party’s only hope, his representatives claim.

I Sing the Body Silicone

RealDoll promotes itself as “home of the world’s finest love dolls.” The company’s website describes its products as the most advanced and realistic on the market:

Our silicone dolls are the most lifelike and enjoyable love dolls that you can purchase anywhere! We emphasize the term “LOVE doll” because they are so much more than a sex toy. RealDolls feature the most advanced technologies available in both the skeletal components and the exclusive silicone blend that we use to comprise the bodies and faces, all of which is the result of our 15+ years of experience. We hold several patents on our designs and techniques, including the Face X system, which allows for easily interchanging faces on our dolls. You can now have several faces to choose from in your new playmate. When combined with changing your doll’s hairstyle and/or eyes, the possibilities are limitless!

Spokespeople for Pence admit that neither love nor sex will play much of a hand in Trump’s use of the doll.

“The most important thing is creating the illusion for Donald that he has a real woman to abuse and berate,” the representative said on condition of anonymity. “After a great deal of research, we chose RealDoll. The Face X system is ideal -- we can continuously modify and update the doll’s appearance to convince Trump that he’s sexually molesting several different women. The current model is blonde, slim and slightly Slavic looking. We’re calling her Ivanka Jr.”

Another selling point is that the organization crafts the merchandise in the United States exclusively.

“It’s no secret that Mr. Trump abhors outsourcing, especially to China and Mexico,” the spokesperson added. “It was imperative to us that the doll be manufactured domestically.”

The Pence campaign hopes that Ivanka Jr. and other forthcoming iterations will appease Trump’s predatory proclivities and prevent the residual damage caused when he gropes real women.

“If Mr. Trump wants to grab that p***y, he can with impunity,” a Pence aide explained. “He can yell at them, beat them, stalk them, rape them and penetrate them until he gets all the psychotic mojo out of his system. We’re even ordering some fat ones so he can focus his disgust on inanimate objects. If there’s even so much as a spark of sentience, we’re doomed. We understand that some of our extremely religious supporters may disagree with this choice, but regardless of what Mr. Trump does to these dolls, they can never become impregnated. Or complain, or go to the press, or call the police or file lawsuits. A latex uterus means no risk of abortion, basically. So we’re betting we can win over evangelicals, too.”

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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