Wednesday, October 5, 2016

VP Debate Recap: Candidates Skirt Major Issues Such as Creepy Clowns


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The first and only debate between the 2016 vice presidential candidates took place Tuesday evening in Virginia. As usual, Bennington Vale Evening Transcript staffers covered the event live on Twitter from the sports bar at Piers Addleson’s Pea House. Although the Longwood University venue had an abundance of available press passes and practically begged our journalists to attend, citing an “obscene lack of interest from legitimate reporters,” the budget of a free community paper does not accord such luxuries. Or asbestos- and roach-free offices. Or working toilets. There were two noteworthy differences in the vice presidential debate as compared to the Trump-Clinton clash. First, the candidates appeared less unhinged but vastly more disconcerting. Second, both sides spent the bulk of the discussion interrupting each other and skirting the major issues facing the nation -- primarily, the Creepy Clown infestation. Following are highlights from the event.

Vice Presidential Debate Recap

The tableside conversation began with congenial formalities. Soon after, the meeting degenerated into bitter quips, interjections, insults, accusations and stoney glowering. As moderator, CBSN anchor Elaine Quijano succumbed to same impotence that plagued Lester Holt during the presidential debate. Quinjano had clearly prepared, done her research and posed meaningful topics. Sadly, her efforts to be heard were squelched by Tim Kaine’s manic recitation of prepared zingers and Mike Pence’s chilly barbs. Ultimately, she looked like a child caught in the center of a venomous custody argument between two parents who have forced a marriage of livable hatred to its crisis point.

Kaine introduced himself by immediately mentioning his work as a missionary and his son’s status as an active military servicemember --two things Donald Trump despises. Kaine’s campaign advisers had repeatedly urged him to downplay his involvement in helping poor villagers across Central America and expressing pride in the troops. Polls show that Trump voters see these groups as moochers and strains on taxpayers -- another group Trump views with apprehension and disdain.

Pence opened by discussing his family’s immigration to the country, without clarifying that his people were the good kind of foreigners -- a misstep that may have cost him some support. To connect with the values voters in America’s heartland, he also showcased his rural humility by describing the cornfield in his backyard. As counseled during his preparation by Trump aides, Pence stopped short of describing his unconventional religious upbringing in the corn, overseen by the ministrations of a cryptic mentor called He Who Walks Behind the Rows.

Throughout the debate, both candidates evaded answering questions to focus on interrupting each other. The main theme of the event concerned insult-driven campaigning by the presidential nominees. Kaine hurled a few at Pence. Pence kept his composure and stayed on message. Unfortunately, Trump’s live tweeting of the debate reinforced Kaine’s claims.

Major issues such as terrorism, North Korea’s nuclear threat, health care, foreign policy and the economy were skirted. Perhaps the most glaring omission was any mention of the Creepy Clown infestation sweeping across the country.

Juggalos, the wicked clown followers of the band Insane Clown Posse, represent the interests of both political parties. Some are rabid Trump supporters. These factions have evolved into full-fledged gangs, relishing criminal activities that include assault, drug trafficking, vandalism, burglary, shootings, theft, robbery and even murder. Others espouse a strict doctrine of tolerance for diverse people, cherish equality, exercise their civil liberties, sponsor charities and lean toward progressive governance. Yet neither Kaine nor Pence addressed the unique circumstances of this constituency, which is being threatened into extinction by the encroaching serial killers and child molesters of the emerging Creepy Clown movement.

The effect of Creepy Clowns also impacts U.S. businesses. For over a decade, McDonald’s has suffered tremendous losses. Much of that stems from people’s fears about eating chemically concocted provisions disguised as beef and chicken. Now, the fading fast food giant confronts new perils as its mascot has become the symbol of predatory behavior. If Trump wins the election, his economic policies will force millions of American workers into jobs at McDonald’s. Without a plan to overcome the Creepy Clown situation, this could lead to a recession more devastating than 2008.

Selected Debate Highlights, Times When the Candidates Spoke Without Interruption

Pence: When asked about the economy, he referenced that the national debt doubled under Hillary Clinton. So, he strangely conceded that Clinton is already president -- the first of many departures from Trump’s positions.

Kaine: Pence was quick to identify that Kaine had studied and memorized a series of scripted zingers. Tim Kaine’s spokespeople admitted that Kaine had told Hillary he didn’t want Bruce Vilanch preparing his comedic comebacks, too. He was apparently overruled.

Pence: Praised Trump’s business leadership through hard times. We largely agree with Pence. Trump losing $960 million from bad decisions made through hubris and incompetence would be tough. And here he is, a candidate for the highest executive position in the land.

Pence: Masterfully proves his value to the campaign by turning Trump’s “Mexican rapist” turds into “criminal aliens” gold.

Pence: Despite Kaine’s incessant and almost giddy jabs, Pence keeps cool and smiles. We later learned Pence was able to maintain his smug grin by imagining all the sinners in the audience sodomized by demons as they burn in hell.

Elaine Quijano: At one point, the embattled moderator seemed out of breath. Sources confirmed that she had just returned from helping the ushers hold the doors open for exiting audience members.

BUT WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO ABOUT THE CLOWN PROBLEM? Kaine and Pence are intentionally ignoring the real issues in this election.

Pence, in a rare moment of visible annoyance, mutters: “Look, I’m not going to stop talking because some uppity Mexican woman with delusions of equality is nagging at me.”

Kaine: Accurately calls out Trump for not knowing about Russia’s invasion of the Ukraine. Despite pressure from Clinton’s advisers, Kaine refuses to recite the line prepared for this by Bruce Vilanch: “Crimea river, Mike.”

Kaine: After the halfway point, Kaine reveals that he was really hoping the debate would turn to the topic of Hardee's vs. Carl's Jr.

According to Google Hot Trends, a surge in searches occurred toward the close of the event -- advice on how to drive an icepick into one's ear without suffering a mortal wound.

Pence: On the issue of Russia and its allies, Pence attempts a weak analogy. “Donald is friends with Putin, who is friends with Kim Jong-un and the leadership in Iran. Nuclear problem solved.” Kaine pushes harder until Pence parts with Trump and describes Putin as “the small and bullying leader of Russia.”

Pence was sighted Wednesday morning with a sprained arm, fractured wrist, bruises on his nose and two black eyes. He awkwardly explained to reporters that he had tripped and fallen -- several times.

Kaine: Explains that a veto is used to veto something.

Pence: On the edgy question of challenges to faith, Pence blurts out, “My faith is constantly challenged when I see so many fags, women, minorities and non-Christians walking around unharmed.” Reminded of the eight-second delay, he recants his remarks and focuses exclusively on punishing women for wanting to have decision-making authority over their bodies.

“You whipped out that Mexican thing again.” -- Mike Pence 2016. This needs to be a meme.

The debate ends abruptly an overture of obnoxious 1970s electronica music. Representatives from Longwood University confessed that the noise was to prevent viewers from noticing the sparse applause of the five remaining audience members at the venue.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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