Thursday, October 6, 2016

Pence Warns Hurricane Matthew Is Lord's Wrath, Calls for Sacrifice to Appease Angry God


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Hurricane Matthew roars across the Caribbean, leaving a body count of 113 in its wake, millions of Americans in the South are evacuating. The warnings from government leaders, weather agencies and media have been dire. The category 4 storm could increase to a 5 as it approaches Florida, with winds over 165 miles-per-hour. However, conservative pundits such as Matt Drudge and Rush Limbaugh are placing lives in jeopardy by downplaying the risks of the hurricane. The DrudgeReport has prominently discounted the threat as hype promoted by liberal politicians to overstate the effects of climate change. Yet in another awkward departure from extremist Republican talking points, vice presidential candidate Mike Pence called the danger real. “Gov. Pence doesn’t believe in man-made climate change,” a spokesperson said, “but he does believe in God, man’s choice to sin as a rump-lusting sodomite, and the Lord’s will to use every arrow in His quiver to wipe out that scourge.”

“Because Tim Kaine spent the entire debate interrupting Gov. Pence, he was never able to address the troublesome topic of the Almighty’s proven wrath against gays,” the spokesperson added. “That’s what Hurricane Matthew is. So our next vice president is urging all clean-living heterosexuals to follow the advice of emergency personnel. Everyone else, feel free to listen to Drudge and Rush.”

Drudge Dredging Up Climate Conspiracies

Matt Drudge curates one of the most widely read conservative websites in the nation, the DrudgeReport. He’s made audacious and outlandish claims before, but his latest attack serves a reckless, ego-centric agenda more than the wellbeing of his readers. As Media Matters for America observes, Drudge’s statements “irresponsibly peddled a conspiracy theory that federal officials have exaggerated the danger posed by Hurricane Matthew ‘to make exaggerated point on climate.’”

While Pence agrees that fear-mongering liberals are attempting to capitalize on bogus environmental perils, he cautions against making light of natural disasters. Crastor “Dutch” Goodwick, Pence’s environment adviser, confirms that ecological conditions are worsening. The problem is that scientists are ignoring the real cause: gays and uppity womenfolk.

“Our religious leaders, people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh, understood that catastrophes such as this are sent by God to punish sinners,” a distraught Goodwick said. “To appease our vengeful deity, GOP leaders who are serious about the preservation of life should be contemplating desperate actions.”

Goodwick called Trump’s reversal on LGBT rights one of the most important steps in making America safe from its outraged deity again.

Trump Pledges to Legalize Religious Discrimination

Before hitting the campaign trail, Donald Trump positioned himself as a moderate on LGBT issues. However, after collaborating with Pence, Trump grew to realize the error of his ways. In 2015, for example, Trump stated that people should never be fired because of their sexual orientation. His aides confessed that Trump now regrets that decision and seeks to make amends with the Lord.

On September 23, Trump announced that his administration would protect decent Americans from malicious homosexuals, whom he also accused of masterminding the rash of Creepy Clown sightings -- as well as rashes of all sorts. He vowed to sign the controversial First Amendment Defense Act, which bans the government from taking any “action against a person, wholly or partially on the basis that such person believes or acts in accordance with a religious belief or moral conviction that marriage is or should be recognized as the union of one man and one woman, or that sexual relations are properly reserved to such a marriage.”

Pence’s camp commended the aggressive stance. Not every gay, Goodwick said, is a self-loathing and defiant Satanist like Barney Frank: “Sure, Barney had it easier than most being a Democrat. Think about how much worse it was for Republicans -- people like James West, Bob Bauman, Jon Hinson, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Bob Allen, Glenn Murphy Jr., and countless others. At least they had the good sense to cover their shame, deny their sins to their Creator and attempt to live a Christian lie with wives that physically sicken their entire being.”

In a statement released Thursday, Pence reminded his supporters that freedom is seldom free.

There are desperate times when leaders are called upon to be brave, and make the hard choices for the good of the many. Sometimes, reducing liberties for some ensures freedom for all. What we need now is to make a few compromises. Dirty whores, militant minorities and the LGBT community will have to give back to God. That means giving up their flagrant acts of disobedience. To gays and lesbians and people confused about their genitals, I say, "Look, you can be the most equal queers smoldering on the cinder, or you can lose some of your so-called civil protections and live.”

Displeasing the Whiny to Appease the Almighty

On behalf of the Pence campaign, Dutch Goodwick expressed the need for Republican leaders to embrace the dire call for “Old Testament remedies.”

“We’ve done everything we were supposed to. We hated all the right people,” Goodwick told reporters. “But His displeasure can’t be ignored, especially with the symbolism of the name Matthew. This storm has undeniably biblical implications. We’re losing the war against women -- the apple-eating temptresses who got us expelled from Paradise. Our laws allow these inconstant harlots to make choices. Choices like abortion. That’s state-sponsored murder!"

Goodwick also criticized Republicans for stumbling in their war against gay marriage, which has allowed President Obama to turn the U.S. military into a “modern day -- and heavily armed -- Sodom.”

“Naming the hurricane Matthew is no coincidence; it’s divine providence,” Goodwick said. He offered a quote from Matthew 19:4-5.

Have you not read that the One who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh?” Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man rend asunder.

“We live in a society where lawmakers willfully pervert and dismiss the one true law by allowing same-sex couples to become one flesh,” Goodwick clarified. “And now God is tearing us asunder.”

In the Old Testament, God ordered Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac as a test of faith. As another of the Lord’s catastrophic hurricanes bears down on a morally bankrupt nation, Goodwick emphasized the need for political leaders to follow Abraham’s footsteps as the only logical recourse available to appeasing God and ending the storm.

“Individuals in the affected regions with questionable voting records, which cover considerations of sympathy for homosexuals or funding for Family Planning, should be cordoned off into makeshift holding areas immediately,” Goodwick advised. “Those who admit to never having eaten a Chick-fil-A sandwich, and those who did not vote to replace the teaching of science with the study of creationism, should be sacrificed first.”

There is currently no indication of how many sacrificial lambs may be led to the slaughter, but as Matthew continues its ominous trek toward the mainland, it’s clear that much more must be done.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.