SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A new study of suicide among children under 12 has produced some alarming results. Researchers examined records from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which tracks mortality and suicide rates, between the years of 1993 and 2012, targeting kids between five and 11 years old. They found that a total of 657 children took their own lives during that time -- an average of 33 per year. Even more distressing, incidents of suicide among black youths have doubled. The study’s lead author attributed the problem to several factors: increased exposure to violence and traumatic stress, early onset of puberty and depression. “Basically,” he explained, “the closer black youngsters get to reaching their teenage years, the more likely they are to perish at the hands -- and gun barrels -- of white police officers. So, that could account for the increased exposure to violence, depression and so forth.”

Ames Ellerby, a conservative theological sociologist based in Hoke County, N.C., disputed a direct correlation between black suicides and the daily rise of police aggression against unarmed black teens, but agreed that the findings were tragic: “Personally, I believe they think it’s their way of taking back control -- of telling trigger-happy Caucasian cops, as they perceive them to be, ‘you can’t fire me, I quit.’”

Ellerby blamed the racial bias prevalent in mainstream media.

“It’s terrible,” he said. “Liberal reporters are the ones responsible. They’re playing bridge with a whole deck of race cards. Every time I turn on the television or open the paper, they’re talking about racial injustice, inequality, poverty, hunger, police brutality and whatnot. It sends the wrong message. It’s making them think they deserve more than minimum wage, or that white people are putting them down. That’s what’s causing all this discontent. They start to hate their jobs and then turn to crime. They think every white person with a gun is looking to kill them, so they act suspicious and anxious around those folks.”

Ellerby urged black community leaders to promote a positive and productive message by openly cooperating with their white counterparts.

“We ain’t gonna narrow this divide as long as black public figures spend all their airtime attacking their white peers,” he stated. “They need to become more involved in their own issues. Black folks have a place here. Our fast food restaurants need workers, our Walmarts needs cashiers, our schools need custodians and our cities need bus drivers. But when you’re always giving radicals a soapbox to preach from about civil disobedience and fighting the power -- or showing movies like ‘Selma’ -- all you’re doing is creating criminals. That’s how Hitler started: screeching on a soapbox about the struggles of the repressed and fighting to overcome.”

Most importantly, Ellerby asserted, churches need to resume an active role in the lives of at-risk youths. “These suicides may be saving some police departments a few bullets right now, but self-murder is a sin. The fact is, if religious leaders spent more time curbing criminal impulses through the word of the Almighty and less time arguing about the rights of ‘The Visitors,’ we could achieve racial harmony in the near future.”

Ellerby refers to members of the LGBT community as “The Visitors,” partly because of their “alien nature and unexplained origins” and because he hopes “they will leave soon, like visitors do.”

On Tuesday, Ellerby announced the formation of a new group to help black youngsters in his state overcome negative perceptions, stereotypes and misunderstandings through a system of “peaceful reintegration to America’s majority culture,” as opposed to demonstrations, protests, acts of defiance or other seemingly hostile expressions. His organization, Southern Caucasians’ Urban Minority Mission (SCUMM), will host seminars and learning sessions to teach kids to “find their proper places in society,” which will end not only violent confrontations with racist police officers and NRA members, but suicides as well.

“Jesus is the example we want our kids to follow,” Ellerby added. “A man who espoused tolerance and acceptance of those who were different than him -- who knew the wisdom of turning the other cheek and remaining meek, not battling institutions or inciting rebellions.” To demonstrate the organization’s commitment, Ellerby provided examples of useful advice that SCUMM is currently distributing throughout black communities:

• Avoid convenience stores situated in neighborhoods, street corners, gas stations or near your county’s borders. Make all purchases at well-lit supermarkets or retailers, such as Target or Walmart.
• Obey all traffic and pedestrian transit laws, particularly in areas with a heavy police presence.
• Be sure to identify any object that could be perceived as a weapon to police officers when detained for questioning: this especially includes candy, soft drinks, salty snacks and tobacco products.
• ALWAYS carry a readily available white flag to indicate surrender when police are near. Waving your arms, stepping away, laying on the ground with your hands over your head, or trying to articulate your compliance with words or actions that can easily be construed as aggression by police.
• Avoid wearing clothes that could imply gang affiliation, such as t-shirts, caps, jeans or athletic shoes.
• Try not to cry out, wince, groan or call for help during a police-initiated beating. These are all vocalizations that can be interpreted as resistance.
• Explain in clear, concise, enunciated sentences -- with no traces of accents or dialectical inflexions -- that you are a tax-paying member of the community and would prefer not to get shot. Be prepared to provide supporting identification.

2015. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.