Thursday, May 31, 2012

Romney Seeks to Build New Nation Called Amercia

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney released several iPhone apps late Tuesday, with the most notable including a misspelling of "America." The app, which promised "A Better Amercia" through the auspices of Romney's leadership, instantly became an Internet joke. After the hapless typographical error went viral across social media networks, those opposed to Romney's election began capitalizing on the gaffe, with some providing "Amercia the Beautiful" song parodies to mock Romney's frequent singing of "America the Beautiful" along the campaign trail. Another unfortunate irony was that the app appeared on the same day Romney spent fundraising in Las Vegas, Nev., with Donald Trump, who has made American citizenship a fundamental issue in considering the nation's executives. But in a startling statement released Thursday, Romney defended the alternate spelling as intentional and correct.

"Mistakes happen," the announcement began before taking an unexpected turn. "Here's a big one for you to ponder: America has become a failed democratic experiment, frankly, with a third-world educational system, faltering family values, disregard for the sanctity of marriage, and a socialist regime bent on destroying the free-market system that created this once great nation."

"My campaign believes it's time for a fresh start," Romney continued. "It's time we build a new nation -- and so, a new name."

Progressive pundit Ferrel Michaels said Romney's unflappable support for what's clearly a stupid blunder is a ruse: "It's part and parcel with the GOP's mantra of never admitting mistakes. So [Romney's] going to ride this out -- 'stay the course,' as his predecessor would've proclaimed-- until he can find a way to make it work. In Romney's favor, though, it provides some evidence that his staffers may be victims of the third-world education he laments so often."

But conservatives disagree. They think Romney's onto something big, something innovative.

Carlisle Olden-Whitely -- chairman of San Narciso's Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- called Romney's vision for reinventing the country a stroke a genius.

"A competitive corporate nation state is decades overdue," opined Olden-Whitely. "And now that Mitt's broken away from the pack that had oppressed him for so long, we can see the changes. For example, in the old America, Romney was forced to enact contraceptive equality laws as Governor of Massachusetts. Those laws required insurers to pay for birth control. But as he prepares to create Amercia -- a country returned to the principles of the Founding Fathers -- those laws are done away with. In Amercia, Romney is free to denounce contraception for what he knows it truly is -- abortion. But a socialist puppet like Obama is still shoving that legislation down our throats in America."

According to Olden-Whitely, Romney's Amercia will also no longer support taxpayer-funded nanny-state regulations such as affirmative action or health care -- policies he was forced to promote by an establishment that had imprisoned him during his early political career. In Amercia, markets police themselves, people succeed on their merits and not entitlements, and consumer choice rules; regulations would be expensive redundancies.

Economically, Amercia will solve the financial and unemployment crises that have plagued America. Romney, captive in the American system, spoke under duress of raising the minimum wage to keep pace with inflation. However in Amercia, where he can be honest, Romney understands that raising the minimum wage will cause an excessive loss of jobs.

Running Amercia more like a corporation will prevent inefficiencies, revenue losses, and inequality by operating as a meritocracy.

"Not everybody comprehends the convoluted bureaucracy of government," Olden-Whitely noted, "but we all know what it's like to be an employee. How could Amercia fail?"

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.