Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Universal Studios Orlando Sued as 54 Kids Sustain Head Injuries on Wall at Harry Potter Attraction
Avery Portiswallow, the police officer who responded to the 911 call, said, choking back sobs, “It was gruesome. That’s the only word for it. When we arrived on scene, the floor was soaked in gore and covered with all these limp, tiny bodies. It looked like the showers of Dachau. I ain’t never seen nothing like it in all my years. Fortunately, none of the youngsters died, but most of ‘em ended up with real critical concussions, brain trauma, lacerations on their faces, black eyes, broken noses, splintered teeth, you name it. None of ‘em’s been released from the hospital yet. Ain’t gonna be for some time. An employee working the attraction said these kids just up and ran themselves into a wall marked ‘Platform 9 ¾.’ I reckon that’s a heap of horse manure. What in holy hell would’ve provoked fifty-plus kids to drive their faces into a brick wall at top speed?”
(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.