Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Universal Studios Orlando Sued as 54 Kids Sustain Head Injuries on Wall at Harry Potter Attraction

ORLANDO, Fla. -- As “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”prepares to unveil the final installment of the boy wizard series to moviegoers on July 15, actor Daniel Radcliffe admitted that he “wept like a child” during the last day of filming. But while the cast and crew of the “Harry Potter” franchise lamented the loss of their supernatural salaries, along with a return to the world of Muggle roles, operators of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter attraction at Universal Studios Orlando spent the weekend crying over a class action lawsuit that could hobble the park’s summer attendance. According to the plaintiffs in the case, over 54 children sustained serious head injuries at the Hogwart’s Express exhibit on Friday.

Avery Portiswallow, the police officer who responded to the 911 call, said, choking back sobs, “It was gruesome. That’s the only word for it. When we arrived on scene, the floor was soaked in gore and covered with all these limp, tiny bodies. It looked like the showers of Dachau. I ain’t never seen nothing like it in all my years. Fortunately, none of the youngsters died, but most of ‘em ended up with real critical concussions, brain trauma, lacerations on their faces, black eyes, broken noses, splintered teeth, you name it. None of ‘em’s been released from the hospital yet. Ain’t gonna be for some time. An employee working the attraction said these kids just up and ran themselves into a wall marked ‘Platform 9 ¾.’ I reckon that’s a heap of horse manure. What in holy hell would’ve provoked fifty-plus kids to drive their faces into a brick wall at top speed?”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.