Thursday, July 21, 2011

Al Qaeda Develops Disney-like Recruitment Cartoons, TSA Implements Mandatory Juvenile Cavity Searches

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- An al-Qaeda affiliate called Abu al-Laith al-Yemen announced on Thursday that it plans to develop a series of recruiting cartoons aimed at children, using Disney-style animation. One of the proposed short films depicts young boys dressed in battle fatigues who participate in raids, killings and terror plots against talking pigs, a Qur’an-burning storyteller from the American South, and a German business man who is turned into a horrible monster for shipping mail order pornography to Osama bin Laden. Counter-terrorism experts believe al-Qaeda chose the Disney style for its appeal to children worldwide and its obvious anti-Semitism, which they called a “shared value.”

San Narciso-based security expert Norton Pinkerton said, “They’re basically Disney-inspired films for children that tell of the Prophet, holy wars and anti-Western propaganda. The one I saw seemed to parallel the Cinderella story. A poor young boy, inexplicably abused by three Caucasians at a never-ending tea party, receives a magical visit from his fairy Jihad Father, who ‘corrects’ the child’s numerous misinterpretations of the Qur’an. The boy is given a six-figure sum of money, which goes directly to his family. Then, the Jihad Father pulls a fig from a tree and transforms it into a giant carriage that looks suspiciously like a cartoon bomb. You know the kind, a black ball with a giant wick on top? This vehicle spirits the boy away toward a large American bank building on the peak of a cloud-covered mountain. At midnight, as his C4-laden surrey crashes into the front doors of the bank, the boy destroys everything within a two-mile radius. After the explosion, the film spends another 45 minutes exploring the boy’s sexual conquest of 70-plus virginal teens in the afterlife.”

British officials communicated intelligence of the new al-Qaeda tactics to agencies in the United States this morning, prompting John Pistole of the TSA to inform travelers that more enhancements to airport screening procedures should be expected.

“We see kids wearing olive green khakis or anything that looks like fatigues, it’s a cavity search,” Pistole said. “We see kids coming into the United States from abroad with stuffed Disney animals, it’s a cavity search. Basically, if you are bringing children between the ages of two and nine into a U.S. airport, it’s an automatic cavity search. So, get to the TSA screening lines at least four hours before your flights. The smaller the cavity, the more complicated the search.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

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