Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Rupert Murdoch Apology Letter Leaked on MySpace

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With News Corp shares plummeting and testimonies commencing before British Parliament, Rupert Murdoch has been working on a rare apology letter, the first draft of which has been leaked across the Internet. However, researchers for The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript located what they believe to be the original copy that Murdoch posted on his MySpace page.

Murdoch purchased the social networking site in 2005, unwittingly believing MySpace would help News Corp control the Internet. He now posts private correspondence there, understanding that “it’s the least likely place Web surfers will look for anything.” And despite receiving an odd phone call from Australia urging us not to print the letter, made even stranger by the fact that our editorial staff had just discussed the idea on an internal conference call, the transcript follows. A copy of the actual letter may be accessed here.

Transcript of Murdoch Apology Letter Draft
We are sorry you feel this way.

The News of the World was in the business of holding others to account. But that all changed in 1984 when the paper was sold to News International and transformed into a tabloid. It failed when it came to itself. It’s hard, day after day, to contrive stories about George Michaels’ affair with Andy Dick or James Mason’s fart fetish or how every member of the Labour Party is a pederast, which is why we needed to tap cell phones to get the real stories -- the stories people wouldn’t tell us. That’s called investigative journalism. And we’re sorry that readers hate hard-hitting news reporting so much that they’d rather see our editors in grey prison jumpers than Armani.

We are sorry for the serious wrongdoing that occurred. Which of course was the leaking of our private, sensitive corporate information by a disgruntled ex-employee. Privacy is paramount to a civilized society. Frankly, we feel betrayed. As our loyal readers, you should too.

We are sorry that we let you down. The fact that competing publications scooped the news of our alleged wrongdoings is atrocious. We know that you expected more from our reporters, and we, regrettably, were late to the scene. We spent a great deal of money on influence-peddling, networking and breaking down the deception of the liberal media; and yet tax-funded social welfare services persist in many countries, and an inexperienced, toffee-coloured gentlemen of uncertain origin runs the United States, perhaps into the ground. In particular, we have let you down, Britain and America. And the by-products of our failures will reverberate worldwide.

We are deeply sorry for the hurt suffered by the individuals affected: to our friends in Scotland Yard, the U.S. Republican Party, Parliamentary MPs and other cherished colleagues who have agreed to take the fall. And also to Lady Di. Honestly, we intended only to get your name back in the news, having been disgusted by Camilla’s meteoric rise and subsequent overshadowing of your accomplishments. It was supposed to be a little fender-bender. We apologise for our piss poor execution...by that, I of course mean in the sense of planning and delivery.

We regret not acting faster. Faster to strong-arm officials and pay off lobbyists to keep the unpleasant truths of the world from the parlours of decent people. We tried to protect you. We supplemented the incomes of hard working public servants and police officers to accomplish this. Nobody likes a tattletale. Just look at Judas. Or Sean Hoare. Both of whom are now rotting in the pits of Hell, but not before their treachery led to the ruin of humanity’s salvation. We, the new apostles, as those who came before us, are guilty of an inexcusable tardiness.

I realise that simply apologising is not enough. That’s why I’m deeply apologising. Words go only so far. So, I’ve chosen to use stronger words to show you how sincere I am.

Our business was founded on the idea that a free and open press should be a positive force in society. This doctrine has served us well for decades. Because of these freedoms, we have been able to do and say virtually anything our reptilian minds could devise. We have fought hard against regulators, but we now think they may have had a point. Any newspaper endowed with the unencumbered ability to investigate what or whom it wants, to use or discard what “facts” it wants, and to print any of its findings might be detrimental to society. In light of recent events, and to turn over a new leaf, we agree that regulating all members of the press -- sooner rather than later -- might just fix this mess for all of us.

In the coming days, as we take further concrete steps to resolve these issues and make amends for the damage they have caused, you will hear more from our solicitors. We feel just awful about everything. We will spare no expense. For that reason, we will be purchasing the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Sun Times, Huffington Post, Christian Science Monitor and Google, all reputable sources of information with the ability to help us begin anew.


Rupert Murdoch

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.