Tuesday, August 28, 2012

GOP Convention's Mystery Guest Revealed: Ronald Reagan

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Rumors of a mystery speaker at the 2012 Republican National Convention sparked curiosity and speculation among attendees after being confirmed by one Romney aide. Tight-lipped members of the Romney camp hope the allure of the secret guest will entice more people to attend the event, which is suffering disappointing turnout figures because of Hurricane Isaac, women voters with self respect and Romney's astounding unlikability factor. When the RNC released the convention schedule Monday, it included the notation "To Be Announced" for a prime-time slot Thursday, which signals the finale of the conference. Russ Schreifer, the aide in charge of convention planning for the Romney campaign, admitted that an unnamed guest would be slated to address the crowd, but he refused to reveal any further details. However, insiders at Hollywood effects house Digital Domain -- the Oscar-winning CGI company responsible for the holographic resurrection of Tupac Shakur at this year's Coachella Music Festival -- leaked details of the big surprise, which they claim has been in the works for several months. "In a nutshell, we're using our technology to bring the Republican Party hero, Ronald Reagan, back from the dead to wow tentative voters," the source divulged.

During the climax of the Coachella concert series in April, an eerily lifelike hologram of rap legend Tupac Shakur materialized on stage alongside Snoop Dogg. Representatives from Digital Domain refused to discuss the creative aspects of their production techniques, but the mind-blowing spectacle has led to a host of other venues scrambling to put dead performers back into the spotlight. And not only was the Tupac hologram visually perfect in every detail, the wizards at Digital Domain pulled off the seemingly impossible feat of getting Tupac to perform a duet with Snoop Dogg that was vocally in sync.

"This is going to be absolutely wonderful," one ranking Romney aide said of the "Robo-Reagan" keynote speech. "We were really afraid they were going to give time to Ann. An hour of 'let them eat cake' and awkward equestrian ballet wasn't our best idea. Ann would've certainly humanized Mitt -- you know, because he would've looked a lot more human and in-touch with the average person by comparison -- but having an endorsement from Ronald Reagan could secure this election for the GOP."

Digital Domain executives agree. They also see greater benefits in using dead celebrities who can be programmed to embody the romanticized images people have of them while excluding the realities of how unpopular they'd be today as a result of their actual deeds.

"If we used Reagan's unedited political speeches, his ideology and social stances would make him seem like a raving liberal by today's Republican standards," the Digital Domain source noted. "So, we have the opportunity to correct that."

Although Reagan passed massive tax cuts during his first year as president, he completely reversed many of them with the Tax Equity and Fiscal Responsibility Act of 1982 (TEFRA), which remains the largest peacetime tax increase in American history. The conservative icon also backed a $3.3 billion gasoline tax and raised the Social Security tax rate. Gay rights issues have become a prominent platform for socially conservative Republicans and fast food restaurants, but Reagan staunchly opposed the Briggs Initiative in California, which would have banned gays and lesbians from teaching in public schools. His maverick opposition contributed to the defeat of the measure. As for immigration, another hot topic, Reagan granted amnesty to millions of illegal aliens in 1986.

"When you look at history carefully, Reagan's positions seem highly antithetical to the current GOP philosophy," the Digital Domain source added. "Thank God advances in computer science have enabled us to present Reagan as he should have been: a gay hating, tax eliminating, social welfare cutting, misogynistic xenophobe."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.

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