Monday, August 20, 2012

Todd Akin Explains Rape Classifications and How Female Reproductive Systems Actually Work

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a bold move to make the "Dr. Strangelove" character Gen. Jack Ripper proud, Representative Todd Akin (R-Mo.) opted for total commitment in the GOP's war against women this weekend with bizarre comments about "legitimate rape" and the power of a woman's uterus to block pregnancy in such situations. Akin's decision, like Ripper's, was orchestrated without the approval or foreknowledge of his superiors. It also bucked tradition, which generally holds that a war against women could only mean Republicans believe the uterus capable of producing crude oil or that at some point a vagina tried to kill George H.W. Bush. The surprising aftermath saw GOP leaders withdrawing financial and political support for Akin's current Senate race as he remained defiant and refused to resign. Akin, a conservative Christian who sits on the Committee for Science, Space and Technology, and whose mission is to restore "traditional scientific methods" to "unproven 21st century malarkey," doubled down Monday by holding a series of press conferences to educate the confused masses about the different types of rape and how female reproductive systems actually operate.

Akin Cites Established Scientific Principles
"It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare," Akin said of pregnancies from rape. "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

And there's a scientific precedent for Akin's claims, as he explained to reporters. A British legal text from the 13th century established that: "If, however, the woman should have conceived at the time alleged in the appeal, it abates, for without a woman’s consent she could not conceive."

Samuel Farr's 1814 treatise "Elements of Medical Jurisprudence" elaborates: "For without an excitation of lust, or the enjoyment of pleasure in the venereal act, no conception can probably take place. So that if an absolute rape were to be perpetrated, it is not likely she would become pregnant."

"I believe in history and I believe in science," Akin said. "These facts were documented and researched hundreds of years ago. They've stood the test of time. If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Akin has also proposed abandoning the NSA and bringing back "tried and true" anti-terrorism tactics from America's glorious past.

Between February 1692 and May 1693, a series of famous hearings were held in colonial Massachusetts to prosecute people accused of high treason and internal terrorism in the counties of Essex, Suffolk, and Middlesex. The best-known trials were conducted by the Court of Oyer and Terminer in 1692 in Salem Town. Over 150 people were arrested and imprisoned. All 26 who went to trial were convicted. The four sessions of the Superior Court of Judicature in 1693 produced only three convictions in the 31 trials it conducted. Nineteen of the accused, 14 women and six men, were executed. Given the large ratio of those accused to those found guilty and put to death, Akin determined the historical precedent to have presented a fair, just, and efficient system of counter-terrorism.

Understanding the Nuances of Rape
"People said I wasn't being empathetic enough, or that I couldn't possibly understand the trauma of a legitimate rape. Well after what I've gone through this morning, I think I'm pretty sure what it feels like," Akin joked to stunned reporters.

"My comments were about my opposition to abortion. I believe deeply in the protection of all life, and I do not believe that harming another innocent victim is the right course of action," continued Akin, a staunch advocate for carrying concealed weapons and the death penalty.

Akin also explained that because women cannot conceive in the absence of lust or enjoyment "in the venereal act," President Obama's mandatory funding for contraception is a useless abuse of government power.

Without offering a direct apology, Akin attributed the media uproar to a misunderstanding.

"I suppose I sometimes forget I'm addressing laymen who lack the scientific understanding accorded to me as a member of the Committee for Science," he added. "In that regard, I probably misspoke. What I meant to say was 'forcible rape,' as opposed to all the other kinds. Rape is a strong and nuanced word. And if we're to have an intelligent conversation about it, we need to be on the same page with the multiple levels of rape."

Forcible (or legitimate) rape, according to Akin, is a crime committed when one party forces another to have sexual intercourse without consent, against his or her will. The threat of violence is a defining factor.

Abducting a woman with the intent of coercing her into performing sex acts without immediate consent, absent the threat of bodily harm, is ravishing -- also referred to in Europe as a Viking Valentine.

Date rape is illegitimate rape -- a romantic dispute best resolved by the parties involved instead of taking up time and resources in a "petty game of he said-she said."

Buyer's remorse is a lesser form of rape in which a woman dresses provocatively, attempts to seduce a man, and then decides during intercourse that she has changed her mind.

And then there's what Tea Party idol Ayn Rand called "a welcomed rape" or "rape with an engraved invitation." Her tedious and leaden novel "The Fountainhead" contains a protracted example between the two main characters:

She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her fists beat against his shoulders, against his face. He moved one hand, took her two wrists and pinned them behind her, under his arm, wrenching her shoulder blades.…She fell back against the dressing table, she stood crouching, her hands clasping the edge behind her, her eyes wide, colorless, shapeless in terror. He was laughing. There was the movement of laughter on his face, but no sound.…Then he approached. He lifted her without effort. She let her teeth sink into his hand and felt blood on the tip of her tongue. He pulled her head back and he forced her mouth open against his.

Although the woman continually protests, fights off the man, and says "no," it's clearly imparted to the reader via her thoughts that she wants the man, and that they both desire to participate in this violent love making game.

Akin noted that as a woman's uterus can sense legitimate rape and stop impregnation from occurring, a man's penis can sense when a protesting woman actually wants the rape to continue. It's precisely for this reason, Akin argues, that male police officers are better suited than female officers to determine whether an accusing woman was legitimately raped.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.