Friday, August 17, 2012

Lonely Nerd Psychologist Claims Oral Sex Miracle Cure for Morning Sickness and Other Maladies

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- New York based psychologist Gordon Gallup has posited an unconventional theory that the morning sickness suffered by pregnant women may be abated by continual exposure to the father's semen. Despite criticism from the medical establishment, Gallup -- long recognized for making headlines by touting the healing properties of sperm -- and his supporters remain undeterred. On Friday, Dr. Alvin Eugene Humphreys, a follower of Gallup's work, emerged in the media to take up his mentor's mantel and bring it to the next level by claiming that practicing prolonged and routine oral sex may cure women of countless ailments, from the common cold to cancer.

Gallup's hypothesis originated in part from a 2000 study by immunologists that suggested the lack of tolerance "to the foreign properties of the fetus" as a cause of preeclampsia. Experts in the field of obstetrics and gynaecology, however, said no conclusive proof exists to back up Gallup's claims. "I wouldn't consider recommending oral sex as a morning sickness cure to my patients," one ob-gyn and author noted.

The majority of the medical community agrees. Morning sickness has no particular rhyme or reason, nor any single root cause. Blood sugar, hormone imbalances, and acid buildup are all likely contributors to the feelings of nausea, according to the accepted literature.

"This certainly isn't the first time Gallup and his cohorts have caused a stir with their sticky speculations about sperm," explained Dr. Claire Mcilvaney, an ob-gyn based in San Narciso County, Calif. "Back in 2002, they tried to convince us of semen's antidepressant qualities. As both a doctor and a woman, I can tell you that constantly performing fellatio is only curing depression in men."

Gallup, who specializes in something called human reproductive competition and behavior, theorizes that women experience nausea because of their bodies rejecting semen as a foreign genetic material. But his proposed "hair of the dog that humped your leg" cure has left a sour taste in the mouths of real medical practitioners and scores of expectant mothers. Dr. Humphreys' wildly expanded assertions of semen as a panacea have met with even greater ridicule.

In a report titled "All That Jizz," Humphreys positions the oral consumption of sperm as "the end of Big Pharma and the pseudo-science of alternative, holistic, and herbal medicine."

"If our colleagues are laughing at our conclusions, then it's nervous laughter," Humphreys said. "These are doctors who view healing as a business opportunity. Those of us interested in the natural science of the human machine already know the answer can be found in semen -- the fertilizer that causes the seeds of all life to blossom. But these self-proclaimed healers are so deep in bed with pharmaceutical executives and drugmakers, they should be bowlegged. We think it's unnecessary. Just a little oral sex is all the doctor should be ordering. No mess, no fuss, no expensive dinners, no walks of shame. They're discounting our work because they don't appreciate such stiff competition."

Humphreys -- a prematurely bald, overweight, socially awkward 44-year-old virgin with psoriasis -- said discovering Gallup's research changed his life. He admits he has not personally administered treatments yet, but has trained extensively in simulated environments. He is scheduled to open his first clinic in September, which will specialize in treating female patients with any affliction through semen-based therapy.

"This regimen, which should be performed on a daily basis, is going to blow people's heads," Humphreys ejaculated with excitement. "There's enough evidence to validate that this treatment will cure anything; not just colds, but cancer and AIDS and heart disease. It's the climax of all medical study."

When the new clinic breaks ground, Humphreys will be administering the doses to his patients himself. "This is a very new field, and there just aren't enough doctors trained up yet," he added.

In honor of his mentor, Humphreys has named his procedure "Gallup's Pole."

He still faces several bureaucratic and legal challenges to operating his clinic. New York police, for example, said to comply with state law, Humphreys would need to provide these medical services pro bono. Any exchange of money for rendering services of this nature would violate existing vice laws and could lead to arrests.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.
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