Thursday, August 2, 2012

KKK Names Chick-fil-A Official Restaurant

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Fans and critics of Chick-fil-A have taken to the streets to show their support or express their condemnation for the company, which recently courted controversy when its president, Dan Cathy, publicly denounced same-sex marriage. While proponents of equal rights protested with signs bearing the phrase "Cluck Off," religious conservatives lined city blocks to be part of "Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day," less formally known as "Cook a Queer Clucker for Christ" among certain circles. More than 600,000 people RSVPed to the event on Facebook, which was orchestrated by former presidential candidate and notably obese, hardcore overeater of fat-fried foods, Mike Huckabee.

Many locations reported crowds swelling into the hundreds, further impacted by the throbbing throng of motorists jamming streets by trying to cram themselves into Chick-fil-A's tight drive-throughs. But the restaurant's advocates say the greasy compressed chicken sandwich's evolution to a symbolic political statement has nothing to do with equal rights for gays. "Frankly, we couldn't care less if gays ever get rights. This is about free speech," said Virginia Smeltz, a frequent patron.

To drive that point home, the Klu Klux Klan (KKK) -- a long-standing Christian organization committed to protecting traditional conservative values and First Amendment rights -- has declared Chick-fil-A the group's official restaurant.

Deaver Cootshollow, Grand Cyclops of a KKK Den in Mobile, Ala., said the Klan arrived at the decision to endorse Chick-fil-A easily.

"The folks who own these chicken stands been spending a lot of money to promote old timey American purity, as Christ intended," Cootshollow noted. "We want to rally our resources to make sure Chick-fil-A gets as much money as possible to keep the gays and the Jews and the blacks and the Catholics from trampling all over our traditions as a Christian nation that has no tolerance for sinners."

Cootshollow said his organization was impressed by Dan Cathy when he chastised the "prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about." He then praised Cathy and the Atlanta-based chain for correctly defining God's interpretation of marriage.

"The KKK knows more than most Christian groups what it's like to have people try and stomp on your rights to assembly and speech," Cootshollow added. "People burn flags and build mosques and let minorities sodomize animals without so much as a sneeze. But when people like us try to spread the Word, we're shut down."

Cootshollow said the decision to officially recognize the good works of Chick-fil-A also took into account the company's clean business model.

"It's hard for me and fellow Ghouls to go to many fast food places," Cootshollow explained. "Most of 'em are ethnic. Taco this, burrito that, pizza whatever, and even at a goodly, wholesome establishment like McDonalds, you find out the people cooking and handling your victuals ain't people at all -- they're Mexicans and Asians and Africans. You could probably get AIDS from a Big Mac, far as we know. But at Chick-fil-A, there's just decent white Christian folks making my dinner. And it's refreshing to see that one food place in America has taken fried chicken from the clutches of you-know-who and given it back to the rightful owners. If we can get watermelons and waffles back, alls the better. We're hoping Chick-fil-A can accommodate that too."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.