Monday, August 6, 2012

Romney to Outsource Vice Presidency to India

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Spending an excessive amount of his time campaigning with and for Mitt Romney, Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-La.) is positioning himself to receive the appointment as Romney's running mate, political analysts believe. Over the last few months, Jindal has been canvassing the country to appear with Romney at stump speeches and to give countless television interviews in support of the presidential candidate. Along with former Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-Minn.) and Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio), Jindal is now considered to be Romney's third top pick. Jindal doesn't have the political chops of Pawlenty, and if Portman can swing his state's 18 electoral votes to Romney, the pivotal advantage of Ohio could sway Romney in the senator's favor. However, Romney camp insiders say Jindal virtually has the job in his pocket. "Mitt's time at Bain Capital taught him a very important lesson," said Jules Yetterskline, a Romney campaign strategist. "Americans are often slow, expensive and a little demanding about their treatment; so if you want the job done quickly, cheaply and efficiently, you outsource to India."

The leaders of Romney's VP exploratory committee indicated to reporters that Romney's ideal running mate would be a governor with experience managing a state. But elected officials holding high offices in the United States can cost up to 90 percent more than their equivalents in India.

"Bobby's just a dream come true for us," Yetterskline gushed. "Not only is he a governor, he's an Indian American. Growing up, he worked extensively with computers, ran a mail order software business and worked the concessions stand during LSU football games. So, he's no stranger to toiling away at menial jobs, running outsourced distribution centers or assisting with IT needs -- for dimes on the dollar. As most people know, White House administrations are notoriously behind the times where technology is concerned, so having an in-house help desk guy will do wonders for President Mitt."

Yetterskline also pointed out the lengths to which Jindal has gone to assimilate with Republican culture.

"He abandoned Hinduism, the religion in which he was raised, and converted to Catholicism," Yetterskline explained. "He also supports cutting education and killing Obamacare. As an Indian, he knows a country can thrive with unprecedented illiteracy rates and abominable living conditions. He also adopted that ridiculous southern accent. I know the workers in Indian call centers are trained to imitate the dialects of Americans, but Bobby's is impeccable. Giving up your heritage and your culture is what separates Indian sweatshop managers from the indentured workers. Bobby's the epitome of management."

Best of all, Yetterskline added, Jindal is anti-immigration: "Being an anchor baby himself, he understands how detrimental people like himself and his parents are to the prosperity of America."

Yetterskline anticipates Romney's official announcement of Jindal's selection within the next few weeks.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.